“If He Beats You, It Means He Loves You”

​Domestic violence is again on the agenda in Russia, as lawmakers and religious leaders call for battery within families to be decriminalized

By Daria Litvinova

Every year, tens of thousands of Russian women and children suffer every possible kind of familial abuse — be it battery, rape or even attempted murder. Arman ZhenIkeyev / TASS

Tatyana’s (not her real name) stepfather started small.

At first, he’d get annoyed by things she did. He criticized and he lectured her. Later, the lectures would stop, and this is when the outrage began. And when the outrage stopped, the spanking and face-slaps started.

“He just went mad,” Tatyana says. “For five years, he beat me and my mother senseless.”

Tatyana’s story is far from unique. Every year, tens of thousands of Russian women and children suffer every possible kind of familial abuse — be it battery, rape, or even attempted murder. Years after escaping with her mother, Tatyana, now 29, says domestic violence must be tackled and punished before it gets out of control.

But not everyone agrees with her.

Ultraconservative Federation Council senator Yelena Mizulina, best known for her “gay propaganda” law, introduced a new bill to the State Duma on July 27 that proposed the decriminalization of battery within families. “Battery carried out toward family members should be an administrative offense,” Mizulina said. “You don’t want people to be imprisoned for two years and labeled a criminal for the rest of their lives for a slap.”

What Mizulina failed to acknowledge was that domestic violence in Russia is a serious problem, and not limited to parents spanking their children for misbehaving.

According to official Russian government statistics that undoubtedly under-report the situation, a massive 40 percent of all violent crimes are committed within the family. This correlates to 36,000 women being beaten by their partners every day and 26,000 children being assaulted by their parents every year.

Larisa Ponarina, deputy director of the Anna Center, an NGO helping victims of domestic violence, suggests that more than 14,000 women die every year as a result of domestic abuse.

She does not believe the situation is improving.

A Battle of Values

Mizulina’s bill comes on the heels of a recent amendment to the Criminal Code, introduced by the Supreme Court and signed into law by president Vladimir Putin. According to the amendment — one of the rare progressive legislative moves in fighting domestic violence — battery of family members was put on an equal footing with hooliganism and hate assaults as a criminal offense to be investigated and prosecuted by the state. It came into force in early July.

Traditional family values crusaders supported Mizulina’s attempts to undo the amendment. The Russian Orthodox Church issued a statement saying that “if reasonable and carried out with love, corporal punishment is an essential right given to parents by God.”

The All-Russian Parents’ Resistance, a movement fighting against the juvenile justice system, has warned that criminalization of familial battery will lead to prosecution of parents who were acting in their children’s best interests. “A mother spanked her son for watching porn … but his teachers in school noticed bruises, complained, and the court made the mother pay a 8,000-ruble ($120) fine … Parents no longer have the right to choose methods of up-bringing,” a statement on their website says.

“Traditional, or rather archaic values have become popular again,” says Alyona Popova, activist and women’s rights advocate. High-profile stories of abuse — movie stars beating their wives into a coma, female journalists posting pictures of bruised faces after fighting with their significant others— have done little to change the situation. Indeed, commentators — both male and female — have even intimated that the victims “most probably provoked” incidents, “were asking for it with frivolous behavior,” or “knew who they were marrying and should have known better.”

“Women aren’t supposed to be able to do and achieve things on their own,” says Popova. “Society tells women to get married in order to let their husbands decide things for them. If a man beats you, it is because he is stronger and has the right to beat you, and you should consider yourself lucky to be married in the first place.”

It Runs in the History

“If he beats you, it means he loves you,” as one famous Russian saying has it. According to some studies, the phrase first appeared in the late 16th century, after a book called “Domostroy” (“Household”) was published. This book, a guide for families, carried a strong Orthodox Christian message. It outlined women’s obedience as the key to a strong, lasting family, and described corporal punishment — for women and children — as a “mere blessing” that can help “avoid death of the soul.”

The Domostroy mentality was rejected for a short period in post-revolutionary Soviet Russia in favor of equality. But it made a triumphant return during later in the Soviet period, although without previous religious undertones, before embedding in the social norms of 21st century Russia. Today, police stations rarely take reports of familial battery seriously — they often dismiss victims’ complaints, citing the problem as one’s “internal family matter.” Some say that they can only intervene when a murder is committed.

Such abnegation of duty is hardly surprising, given the fact that the Russian government has never properly addressed the issue either. The UN, on the other hand, commissioned several worrying reports about the state of women’s rights in Russia in the past 10 years. Some of the earlier reports contained recommendations, such as adoption of specific legislation on domestic violence, establishment of shelters and other support for women victims of violence. Later, it became clear to the report writers that Russia had done little to implement the measures.

One of the few countries still to adopt a domestic violence law, Russia hasn’t signed or ratified the Council of Europe Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence; this came into force exactly two years ago, in August 2014. All attempts to pass a domestic violence law in the past ten years have been unsuccessful. The most recent bill, drafted by human rights advocates and specialized NGOs, is now ready for the first reading.

But it has been sitting on a shelf in the State Duma for a year.

At a Glance: Domestic Violence in RussiaSource: Anna Center

Baby Steps

Supporters of “traditional values” explain their lack of enthusiasm for a new domestic violence law in terms of protecting the unity of the family. This is same logic Mizulina uses in her attempts to abolish already existing legislation that makes familial battery a criminal offense.

“They argue children will start complaining about parents spanking them, and thousands of mothers and fathers will be subject to criminal prosecution,” Popova says.

Yet such worries are mostly groundless. According to Mari Davtyan, a lawyer dedicated to defending victims of violence, the number of cases against parents beating their children is unlikely to change: “Attackers of several social groups — children, the disabled and the elderly — have always been subject to criminal prosecution initiated by law enforcement.”

What the new legislation has done, however, is protect many vulnerable women. For the first time, law enforcement bodies can initiate prosecution of an offender. Before, prosecution was subject to private charges. Not only had the victim to sue the offender herself, she also had to collect necessary evidence, ensure witnesses would come to court hearings and so on.

Moreover, police are now likely to investigate domestic violence cases with more enthusiasm. District police officers usually dealt with such cases, but they didn’t have the power to open criminal cases and act upon evidence and testimony they collected, says Davtyan. “Police officers we work with were very much encouraged by this legislation,” she says.

Russia does not issue restraining orders to offenders — a measure that has proved effective in 140 countries, including Belarus and Uzbekistan, the lawyer adds. These orders can prevent an offender from approaching the victim, stalking her or in any way communicating with her.

However, the mere fact that domestic violence remains a criminal offense sends the right message: beating your wife and children is wrong, and for that you will be punished.

The phrase “If he beats you, it means he loves you” first appeared in 16th century, after the publication of manual for families called “Domostroy.” Redkaya Kniga

Today, the Russian old-world mindset still remains the biggest obstacle for victims of domestic violence.

If a woman decides to leave her abusive husband or report him to the police, often her own relatives will disown her. “They would say that keeping the family together and standing behind the father of her children is more important,” says Anna Center’s Larisa Ponarina.

Sometimes, women themselves will refuse help. “I often hear my neighbors, a middle aged couple, fighting,” says a Moscow resident speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Every time I call the police, the wife, with bruises all over her face, shouts at officers, saying it is none of their — or my— business. Once they tried to arrest the husband, and she went in fists first.” Such incidents clearly demotivate police from making crucial interventions.

When it comes to child abuse, the same logic works, says Anna Mezhova, head of Saving Life, a foundation that deals with violence against children. “When a child is being regularly beaten up or sexually assaulted by his father, the mother often covers it up, thinking that there is no need to air the dirty laundry in public,” says Mezhova. “But the behavior makes it almost impossible to protect the child.”

Blaming the victim is another major trend that allows abusers to get away scot-free and often lands victims behind bars, says activist Popova. Dozens of women end up standing trial for actively defending themselves during a fight. “Imagine: the husband was beating her up aggressively, she tried to defend herself and injured him. She stands trial for it now, whereas her lawsuit against him was dismissed! The judge did it on the grounds that the woman failed to show up for a hearing — which she, in fact, was just 15 minutes late for,” Popova says.

However, the activist believes that Russian mentality is slowly beginning to change. At the very least, women are now taking offenders to court, she says: “They support each other in court, and they feel confident enough to demand actions from law enforcement.”

So far at least, the statistics tell a discouraging story. According to a report by the UN Committee for Human Rights, the incidence of domestic violence is, in fact, on its way up. In 2015, the number of domestic assaults on women and children grew by 20 percent compared to a similar reporting period in 2010.

5 Misconceptions About the Pastor’s Wife

Writen by: Ministry / Lauren Chandler

Scripture provides no list of qualifications for a pastor’s wife. Pastors and deacons are covered in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, but the pastor’s wife? She doesn’t show up, at least in terms of suitability for an office.

Nevertheless, some churches have their own set of unwritten qualifications for the pastor’s wife, many of which create unrealistic expectations and abundant misconceptions. These can place undue pressure on the wife of a pastor. This shouldn’t be the case, however, since Scripture knows no such formal category. 

Here are five popular misconceptions about the pastor’s wife:

1. You have it all together.

Some will assume you’ve worked through all your issues. Sure, you may struggle, but not with anything “major” (whatever that may be).

Oh, sister, may I encourage you? On this side of heaven, we will always have battle to do with our flesh. Will the Father give relief at times? Yes! But “if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). We’re off the hook, not to sin so that grace may abound but to live a life pleasing to God—a life bought by the perfect blood of Christ, not our own blood, sweat, and tears to “get it right.”

Three years into Matt’s position as pastor of The Village Church, I entered a 12-step program. Let me quell the questions: I didn’t “work the steps” because he became a pastor. I needed to recover from the addiction of being a good girl and performing my way into God’s good graces. I said with my lips that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone. I even thought I believed this. But in my heart of hearts, I functioned as if it all depended on me. With my life I said, “God, thanks for saving me, but I’ve got it from here.”

So one Thursday night at the church, in front of those who only knew me as their pastor’s wife, I stood up to say, “There’s something the Lord is asking me to surrender.” The weight of what people would think of me nearly glued me to my seat and kept me from standing. But I felt something incredible the moment I rose to my feet. I felt weightlessness. I felt relief. And there were tears—lots and lots of tears. In all my anxiety over what the people would think of me—the gasps and whispers I thought I’d hear—I instead found fellowship. I wasn’t untouchable or unrelatable. I became real to them—in real need of a real Savior.

2. Your gifting should match your husband’s.

Although you and your husband are one flesh, you are not the same person. God made you differently. And yet he knew what he was doing in putting both of you together. He doesn’t make mistakes.

By God’s grace, be the best “you” that you can be. Do you enjoy hosting people in your home? Do you love to teach? Do you come alive when you sit across from another woman pouring out her heart?

Matt is an exceptional preacher and teacher. I’ve received and accepted multiple invitations to speak and teach, but it’s not a burning desire within me. I say “no” more often than “yes.” Leading worship, on the other hand, is something I eagerly desire. It excites me to lead 5 or 500 people in song. Matt loves to sing, but you don’t want him leading worship in song. Trust me.

I am not Matt and Matt is not me. Praise Jesus.

3. Kiss having close friends goodbye.

There’s wisdom in carefully choosing with whom you disclose your hopes, desires, and struggles, especially when doing so sheds light on your husband’s flaws. Not everyone can handle such information with grace and maturity. Don’t buy the lie, though, that you can’t have close friends. Doing so will only isolate you and your husband from good fellowship with other believers. Everyone in your church should know you and your husband are sinners, not because you blatantly participate in sinful acts but because of 1 John 1:8.

My closest friends for the past 12 years have been either on staff, married to church staff, or covenant members of our church. I also have dear friends in ministry in other cities, states, and even countries, but there’s something special about having day-in and day-out friends. They can see the inconsistencies in my life and can speak into them.

Have there been awkward seasons and disagreements? Yes. But God’s steadfast love has shone the brightest when we’ve addressed the awkward, and generously forgiven and loved one another in the middle of the mess.

4. You must be friends with everyone.

Even if you’re not a pastor’s wife, how deeply are you able to know everyone? It’s impossible to be the same kind of friend to everyone. You can try, but most—if not all—of your relationships will only be an inch deep. We are limited! We practice humility when we acknowledge we can’t be close friends with everyone and must trust the Lord to meet that need in both us and them.

That said, if your friend circle is so tight that it hasn’t changed in years, examine your heart. Is your group of friends hospitable or alienating? You can’t control what others think, but you can be warm, amiable, and flexible. And you can protect yourself from trading depth for width.

5. Your kids are the most sanctified in your church.

Faith isn’t an inheritable trait. Although our homes should model what Scripture outlines for a family, our children are individuals with their own faith. As my husband often says, we can put all the kindling we can find around their hearts—family devotions, discussing Scripture as we go, modeling forgiveness by asking for and giving it freely, expressing our own need for Jesus, praying for their salvation—but it takes the Holy Spirit to ignite the flame of faith.

Our kids are like anyone else’s. They’re going to fail. They will choose poorly. My kids are at church a lot. They know all the nooks and crannies, all the stashes of mints and crackers. The staff knows them, and they know the staff. This comfort factor often gets them in trouble. Unlike most of the non-staff kids at church, mine let their guards down. They don’t always feel the need to be on their best behavior. We train them to be respectful, but they have their bad moments—we all do. My kids need Jesus just as much as the next kid.

Whatever misconceptions you may face, sister, remember that your ultimate identity is in Christ’s performance as your Savior, not in your performance as a pastor’s wife.

Lauren Chandler is the wife of Matt Chandler, lead teaching pastor at The Village Church in Dallas, Texas, and president of Acts 29, a global church-planting network. They have three lovely (and lively) children. Whether writing stories, singing songs, or making her home a place to linger, Lauren enjoys creating beautiful and meaningful spaces where people may encounter the Lord of steadfast love imaged perfectly through Jesus. When she’s not singing, writing, or spending time with her family, she can be found on the back of a horse.

join us on facebook: group: letstalkrelationships

Monster churches & Pastors

HAVE YOU CREATED A MONSTER?

Fact: Some congregations chew up pastors and spit them out every 2-3 years. I don’t have a Barna Study or Pew Research Poll to verify that assertion. But I don’t think verification is necessary. We’ve all seen the tragedy of “Monster Churches.”

What leads me to believe it is the church’s fault? Before I get to that, let me admit that it isn’t always the churches fault. I know many men who are just not effective pastors –no matter their congregational context. (That’s a topic for a future blog post entitled “Monster Pastors”).

Having said that, there are plenty of cases where the church undoubtedly has a problem. That is particularly evident in cases where:

* The problem occurs over and over for a long period of time with a multitude of pastors. In these cases, the only common denominator is the congregation.

* Pastors leave the church to find warm welcome and fruitful, long-term ministry in another congregation.When this happens, the change in church makes all the difference. The pastor remains the same.

* The congregation denies that any problem exists at all. Pride is a powerful deceiver.

Once again, I admit that a church may have experienced all three of these factors and still not be the source of the problems. But that would be the exception, not the rule.

For the rest of us (the ones honest with ourselves), we recognize that these factors point to a Monster Church. If such a congregation does not change course, they will eventually experience more problems such as power struggles, authority issues, financial disagreements, loss of members, a tainted reputation, a diminished effectiveness, lack of conversations, decline of maturity, and eventual dismay. Their course will eventually lead to destruction for the congregation and all within its path.

Eventually, all monster churches become either tiny assemblies with big reputations (for all the wrong things) and/or abandoned buildings full of questions about “what went wrong.” That is, unless they change.

So, how do you stop a monster from destroying itself and everyone in its path? Here are a few ideas:

* Seek Christ, the foundation, leader, husband, and purchaser of the church. 
All issues of power struggles and authority disputes must end at the cross. If Jesus is not Lord of your church, you must repent as a congregation.

* Pray for repentance. Giving intellectual ascent to Christ’s rule over your church is not enough. The congregation must be whole-heartedly submitted to Him. This does not happen without serious heart change. Therefore, you must pray for repentance. Prayers may start with just one person or a small group. God loves to answer the prayers of the few on behalf of the many.

* Beg for revival. I’m not talking about a set of meetings. Revival is an awakening of the church in light of the glory of Christ! Much like a doctor uses the defibrillator pads to awaken a dying patient, the Great Physician awakens His Body through revival.

* Be willing to exhort and rebuke (2 Tim. 4:2). This is not a call for vigilante church discipline. In fact, don’t exhort and rebuke without first seeking Christ, praying for repentance, and begging for revival. If you can’t speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) with a heart for Christ’s glory in the church, you will only make things worse. However, keep in mind, that most Monster Churches are created because people neglected to have hard conversations with church members who seek to create division (I Cor. 11:18) and strife within the church for self-serving reasons (1 Cor. 3:3).

* Be willing to ask for help. There are many ministries willing to help churches identify problems and work through solutions. Sometimes, an objective point of view helps a congregation see things more clearly. One word of wisdom, however: If you think your church needs outside help, the request needs to come from the pastor or current leadership. “Going over the head” of a pastor or leader can cause more harm than intended. Don’t be guilty of helping “create a monster!”

If you are a pastor or leader of a local church in need of assistance, feel free to contact DiscipleGuide. I am blessed to serve alongside wonderful folks at DiscipleGuide who have a heart for helping churches make disciples. You may contact us at

info@discipleguide.org.

11 Signs of a Monster Pastor
By Scott Attebery

In a previous post, I wrote about“monster churches” in reference to congregations that chew up and spit out pastors on a regular basis. Monster churches are highly dysfunctional and rarely fruitful.

The congregation, however, is not always the problem. Just as monster churches are a factory of discord,monster pastors take trouble with them wherever they go.

Nicknames for monster pastors include: dictator, authoritarian, andcontrol freak.

Biblically speaking, they may be false teachers, greedy for selfish gain, deceitful workmen, and ravenous wolves. They specialize in hijacking congregations then abusing power.

Monster pastors have little regard for the sheep (or the Chief Shepherd for that matter). Instead, their first priority is self, masked by other agendas. Such pastors may use pressure tactics, political maneuvering, and/or persuasive speech in order to manipulate a congregation into acting on their behalf. When they don’t get their way, monster pastors usually 1) move on to another church, 2) cause a stir in their current church, and/or 3) blame the congregation for not following their lead. Simply put, monster pastors are building their own kingdom rather than Christ’s kingdom.

As a general rule, monster pastors:

* Are always right and never wrong.

* Cannot accept criticism without becoming defensive.

* Are not willing to share the pulpit.

* Do not support other ministries.

* Overly use the personal pronoun, “I.”Resist accountability.

* Feels threatened by former pastors.

* Surround themselves with “yes men” rather than edifying leaders.

* Do not entrust ministry to other leaders.

* Undermine programs that they cannot control.

* Insist that everything in the church run through them.

Rarely do you see a monster church matched with a monster pastor. Why? I think they can sniff each other out. Just like a bully rarely picks on another bully, choosing instead to prey upon the weak. Many times, monster pastors leave behind congregations with empty bank accounts, warring factions, and a tarnished reputation.

Like a codependent spouse, abused churches typically continue to hire abusive pastors. The best thing that these churches can do is to stop and evaluate their situation before hiring another pastor.

If your church is in this predicament, consider bringing in a trusted interim pastor with a strong track record of long, peaceful pastorates. Ask the interim to help the congregation address problems and patterns that have wrecked havoc in the past. Spend time creating a plan to move forward and a strategy for selecting a new pastor. Consider investigating candidates before interviewing them. Look for red flags such as a pattern of short-lived pastorates and a history of conflict. Take seriously the qualifications for a pastor found in I Timothy 3 and Titus 1.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

10 bad women of the bible

Delilah ~ Samson’s secret exposed!

Delilah was a beautiful Philistine woman, probably a successful courtesan. She was certainly loved by Samson, a not altogether pleasant Hebrew warrior who described making love with his wife as ‘ploughing with my heifer…’.  Despite an appalling record of violence, or perhaps because of it, he was a hero to the beleaguered Hebrew settlers who were trying to find a place for themselves in land already occupied by Canaanites and Philistines.

Samson was enormously strong, and people believed this must be because of some magic secret. Some Philistine leaders approached Delilah and offered her an immense sum of money if she found out the secret of Samson’s strength, which of course they wanted to destroy.

Three times she asked him, and three times he gave a false answer. Eventually he told her that his strength resided in his hair which, since it had never been cut, was far more plentiful that any other man’s.

Since he was probably only a customer to Delilah, and since the money she would get for the secret would be enough to release her from her life of prostitution, she gave his secret away. She called the Philistines, and while Samson slept she allowed them to cut off his luxuriant hair.

Without his hair – and therefore his strength – Samson was easily overpowered. In the words of the story, ‘the Lord had left him’.

Delilah may have expected a quick death for him, rather than the protracted torture that followed his capture. His eyes were gouged from their sockets and he was thrown into prison. After that, Delilah disappears from the story, but probably the Philistines honoured their promise of payment and Delilah enjoyed a comfortable retirement.

Bible reference Judges 16:4-21 

Salome ~ Herod’s incest with daughter?
Salome is remembered for two things: the Dance of the Seven Veils (which did not happen in the way that modern films suggest) and the execution of John the Baptist (which did).

The young princess started off with certain natural advantages:

she was the daughter of Herodias, a clever and beautiful woman, and

she was step-daughter of Herod Antipas, who ruled a large part of ancient Palestine.

Herod Antipas had clapped John into prison because he was outspoken about the marriage between Antipas and Herodias – it violated Mosaic law which forbad marriage to the wife of one’s brother. Herodias was the divorced wife of Antipas’ half brother Philip.

The political situation in 1st century Palestine was delicate, and Antipas and Herodias simply could not afford to have a trouble-maker roaming around the country criticizing the royal family. They knew they had to act – but they could not do so openly.

The best they could do was to clap John into prison and leave him there, which they did. Unfortunately this did not solve the problem and the royal family, particularly Herodias who faced being divorced if John kept on ranting, looked for another solution.

It is hard to know how much of what happened was pre-arranged, but at Antipas’ birthday dinner the young Salome danced, and pleased her step-father mightily. In his cups, or seeming to be, Antipas promised her anything that she asked for.

She went to her mother for advice: what should she demand? Herodias seized the opportunity and told her to ask for John’s head. Salome went back to the banquet hall and made her request. Antipas immediately granted it. John was beheaded (and therefore silenced permanently), and the young princess calmly went on with her life – she married well, twice, and lived a long life.

Herod is often shown as lusting after the pre-pubescent Salome, who desired John the Baptist. This may or may not be so. What is known is that the family was politically astute – Jesus called Antipas ‘the fox’. It is more likely that the girl simply acted to protect her mother against the criticism of a man who was, to Salome, a crazed fanatic.

Bible reference Mark 6:14-29, Matthew 14:1-12

Jezebel  ~  Queen’s body eaten by dogs
Born to power, Jezebel was a princess from the rich city of Sidon where her father ruled. She married Ahab, the warrior king of Israel.

Though she was queen of Israel, she stayed loyal to  the gods of agriculture and weather – Baal, god of storms and water, and his divine wife Asherah, who was a fierce champion of the family.

Jezebel’s father in Sidon was an absolute monarch, and she assumed that a king’s word was law. This was not the Israelite way of doing things.

In one incident, her husband Ahab needed a plot of land but the owner, Naboth, would not sell. Jezebel decided to act. She arranged the judicial murder of Naboth, and so got the land for her husband. She thought she was within her rights; many people disagreed.

When her husband Ahab died, Jezebel’s son Ahaziah succeeded to the throne. Two years later he died in an ‘accident’, falling from a high balcony in the palace. Her second son Joram became king, but after some years he was murdered in a palace coup led by a sinister man called Jehu.

In the ensuing violence Jezebel was killed as well, flung by her own eunuchs from a high balcony. She died as a queen should die, magnificent and defiant, hurling insults at her murderers.

The usurper, Jehu, ran his iron-wheeled chariot back and forth over her dying body, then went into the palace for a celebratory dinner.

Afterwards, he remembered that her body was still lying in the courtyard of the palace, and ordered that it be buried. But the dogs had got to her first, and all that remained of this royal woman was her head and her hands.

Bible references: conflict between worshippers of Yahweh and Baal 1 Kings 16:29-34, 18:17-40, 19:1-3; the episode of Naboth’s vineyard 1 Kings 21:1-16; the death of Jezebel and her family 1 Kings 22:29-40, 2 Kings 9:21-28, 9:30-37

 

Eve ~ the original trouble-maker?
At a key moment in the story of creation, God made a creature ‘in his own image’. This creature had a nature that was essentially creative. It could imagine, invent, and change the world, as God did in the Genesis story. It was an expression of the creative energy of God.

But the creature was alone, so God created a mate for it. He took a bone from the creature’s rib cage and fashioned Woman – Eve. Man would only be complete if there was a woman beside him.

Eve was even more creative (and therefore God-like?) than her mate Adam. When one of the reptiles in the Garden of Eden spoke to her, suggesting she try something new, she was intrigued. She had been given the power of making decisions. If she did as the reptile suggested and ate the Apple (or rather, the Pomegranate – there were no apples in the ancient Middle East) she might  gain new understanding and wisdom.

Eve was an innocent. She had no previous  experience of deceit, so she believed what she was told. She made her choice, deciding to seek knowledge of good and evil rather than be obedient to God’s command.

It was a dangerous choice –  the quest for knowledge should always be balanced by wisdom. Eve learnt this lesson the hard way.

She took the apple to Adam, so that he might taste it too. He ate it without thinking or arguing. Like Eve, he misused his ability to make decisions and did not consider the consequences.

Instantly, the original harmony between humanity and nature was disrupted. The Garden of Eden was lost – as it continues to be lost, every day, in our world.

Of the two, Eve was the mover and shaker, introducing change in an otherwise stable world.

Bible reference Genesis 2:18-4:2; 4:25

Herodias ~ she stood by her man
Tis little girl’s life began in darkness, in a welter of blood. Before she was born, her grandfather Herod the Great killed her grandmother, the lovely, tragic Mariamne, in a fit of jealous rage. Then he killed her father, his own son. Her mother fled to Rome with Herodias and her younger brother Agrippa, and stayed there until it was safe to return. Little Herodias grew up as a royal aristocrat in Rome, pampered and spoiled.

Her first husband, and the father of her daughter Salome, was her uncle Philip, also a son of Herod the Great. She divorced him and then married Philip’s half brother Herod Antipas (who was also her uncle). Marriage to an uncle was normal practice among royal families in the eastern part of the Roman Empire.

Soon after she and Antipas were married, John the Baptist began to criticize her for marrying her former husband’s brother. In response, Antipas put him in prison.

Whose idea was this? Hard to say. Mark in his gospel says it was Herodias who wanted to see John killed. Matthew blamed Herod and said that from the start he plotted to be rid of John.

In all probability, it was a bit of both. Royal or not, Herodias’ family was noted for its rat cunning, and John’s harangues were de-stabilizing a politically sensitive country. If a revolt broke out, Antipas and Herodias would be the losers, and they were well aware of the fact. So arrangements were made: Salome danced, Herod promised, Herodias advised, and John was beheaded. His death acted as a warning to other would-be agitators.

As far as the gospels are concerned, that was the end of Herodias’ story. But in fact there was quite a bit more. Some years later her younger brother Agrippa was made a king by the Roman Emperor Caligula – Agrippa was a vicious young ne’er-do-well, but a close friend of Caligula’s. Herodias was incensed at the injustice of it all.  Why should her own husband Antipas, who had served Rome loyally for many years, not receive the same honour?

She talked Antipas into going to Rome to ask for this favour, but when they met Caligula face-to-face the young Emperor casually stripped them of all their possessions, everything they owned, and gave it instead to Agrippa. He also sentenced them to life-long exile. On being reminded that Herodias was Agrippa’s sister, he made her an offer: disown her husband and she would be allowed to retain her own wealth.

It was here that Herodias showed her true mettle. She proudly rejected Caligula’s offer and went instead into exile with her husband. It must be said, however, that exile in this case meant living in a Roman city in the south of France, perhaps not such a terrible sacrifice after all.

Bible reference Mark 6:17-28, Matthew 14:1-11; Luke 3:19-20

Potiphar’s Wife: naked man in love triangle
Joseph, the son of Rachel and Jacob, was sold into slavery and taken to Egypt. Once there, he made the best of things and eventually became an outstanding success – Chief Steward for a rich Egyptian, Potiphar.

Potiphar had a beautiful wife, a woman used to getting her way. She was lonely, bored and constantly in the company of an unusually handsome man, a Brad Pitt of the ancient world. Neglected by her husband who may have been a eunuch, she fell in love with Joseph – to the point where she became obsessive about him.

She saw him daily, and soon the temptation became too much. She made some kind of sexual approach to Joseph – ‘Lie with me’, she said.

Joseph faced a dilemma. He had to either offend the wife or betray her husband. He decided on the former. But one day when they were alone in the house she grabbed hold of him, pulling him down onto her bed. In the physical tussle that followed she pulled off his linen loin-cloth. He was naked, and ran out of the room and then out of the house, leaving his clothing behind.

Potiphar’s wife was enraged. She called to the members of the household, telling them Joseph had tried to rape her. She showed them Joseph’s clothing to prove it. Only her screams had prevented him abusing her, she said.

She waited until her husband came home and told him the same story. He was enraged – at Joseph? at her? The incident was now common knowledge. As a cuckold he would become a laughing stock.

He charged Joseph with the attempted rape of his wife, and put him in prison.

Of the wife, we hear no more.

Bible reference Genesis 39:1-20

Maacah – give me that old-time religion
Maacah was a royal princess, but one born under a cloud. Her father was said to be Absalom, who rebelled against his own father King David and was murdered. But she may have been the illegitimate daughter of Absalom’s sister Tamar, who was raped by her obsessive half-brother Amnon (see the story here). Either way, not a good start.

Despite this, Maacah must have been a charmer, because she overcame the conditions of her birth and married Solomon’s eldest son Rehoboam. The Bible says bluntly that he loved her more than any of his other wives and concubines.

When Solomon died Rehoboam succeeded to the throne. There was trouble brewing. The ten northern tribes were discontented with the way that power was centralized in Jerusalem. They wanted the old autonomous tribal system, where they had more control.

Things came to a head at Rehoboam’s coronation, and the ten tribes broke away, leaving Rehoboam with only two tribes (Judah and Benjamin) and his capital, Jerusalem.

There was trouble from outside as well. Egypt invaded, and Rehoboam’s army was unable to repel them. The entire territory of Judah was left open to rape and pillage. Worse still (I joke) was that the royal women were forced to surrender all the jewelry (and their honour?) to the invaders. Maacah lost all her personal treasures.

Twelve years later her husband died, and Maacah’s son Abijah succeeded him. Now Maacah came into full power as Queen Mother – the most powerful position a woman could hold.

She immediately began to restore the old religion – worship of the fertility gods Baal and Asherah –  and it is for this reason that the Bible regards her as beyond the pale.

Maacah’s reign as Queen Mother lasted for only two years, while her son Abijah reigned. When he suddenly died he was succeeded by his son Asa, who may or may not have owed his throne to the Yahwist priests. In any case, Asa was removed her from her position of power and forced to live out her days in the claustrophobic rooms of the royal harem.

Bible reference 1 Kings 15, 2 Chronicles 11:20-23; 15:16

Lot’s Wife ~ Don’t look back
Lot’s wife is unnamed, but her story is significant. Her crime, for which she was turned into a pillar of lifeless salt, was to look back – in other words, to long for the past rather than living in the present.

Her husband was the nephew of Abraham, and her whole family travelled with Abraham in the long years of wandering as they looked for pasture for their flocks.

Eventually they came to Canaan, and Lot’s family and Abraham’s parted company – their flocks had grown so large it was no longer practical to travel together. Lot moved into the Jordan valley. It was not a particularly good place to be. There was constant warfare between the petty kings of the region. Lot’s family and servants were captured by one of these kings, and only saved when Abraham came to rescue them.

Some time after this, Lot settled with his family in the notorious city of Sodom, already well known as a centre of homosexual and libertine practices.

Again, the timing was bad. God lost patience with the city and sent two men/angels to destroy it, but on Abraham’s insistence these beings  warned Lot of what they were about to do. He in turn warned his family – his wife, two daughters and the two young men who were to marry his daughters. On the following morning Lot’s wife and daughters, no doubt feeling somewhat dubious about the whole thing, packed whatever they could carry and headed for the hills.

The angels/men warned them not to look back: ‘Flee for your life; do not look back or stop anywhere in the plain; flee to the hills, or else you will be consumed.’

The little group fled, and as they hurried away sulphur and fire began to rain from the sky. The cities behind them were consumed in a terrible cataclysm. The noise, smoke and tumult were terrifying – and all the time, they could not look back to where they had come from, to the home they had left. It became too much for Lot’s wife. She turned her body and looked back – and died instantly, as her body turned from warm living flesh into dry, lifeless salt.

The point of the story? Don’t look back. Life means looking forward, moving onwards, not focusing on the past or becoming mired in the dark memories we all have. Looking back will leach the life out of you, and you will become as arid as a pillar of salt. Jesus gave Mary Magdalene much the same message when, in the garden on the morning of the Resurrection, he told her not to cling to him, but to go and tell the disciples about him.

Bible reference Genesis 11:31-14:16; 19

Lot’s Daughters ~ Bad blood
After the cataclysm, Lot and his two daughters fled up into the hills, where they could be safe.

There were no settlements there, and Lot and the two girls huddled for shelter in a cave. They believed they were the only surviving members of the human race, and that all other people in the world had been destroyed.

The two young men who had been their promised husbands were dead, and the young women saw no hope of ever having children of their own.

They decided to use trickery to get themselves pregnant: they would get their father drunk in the evening, and have sex with him as he lay in a stupor. This they did, both of them, on separate nights. See the painting above; notice that both women are wearing red, the colour of seduction, and that their mother, now turned to salt, stands in the background seeming to watch them).

Sure enough, both girls became pregnant and eventually bore a son each.

The older girl called her son Moab, and he was named as the ancestor of the Moabites (see map at right), a tribe with whom the Israelites were often at war.

The younger girl called her son Ben-ammi and he, the Bible says, was the ancestor of the Ammonites – another tribe with whom the Israelites fought (see map).

Thus both the Moabites and the Ammonites, the Bible proposed, were the result of acts of incest between Lot and his daughters.

Bible reference Genesis 19:30-38

Athaliah – power struggle
Athaliah had an impeccable royal lineage. She was either daughter of  the greatest king of Israel, Omri, and sister-in-law of Jezebel, or daughter of Ahab and Jezebel. She married the crown prince of Judah, Jehoram, who ruled as king of Judah for eight years before he died at the age of forty – comparatively young, even for those times. He had a turbulent reign, mostly spent on the battlefield.

Jehoram was succeeded by Athaliah’s twenty-two year old son Ahaziah, and her position immediately became much more powerful. The top woman in a kingdom was not the king’s wife – wives went in and out of favour. It was the Queen Mother, who acted as counsellor to her son and was often the only person he could trust.

Unfortunately for Athaliah, her son reigned for only one year before he was murdered by Jehu, who had already killed all of the royal family of Israel, including Jezebel. Athaliah was at the palace in Jerusalem when she heard what had happened.

Now the story gets a bit muddy. According to the Bible, Athaliah set out to destroy all of her own family, seizing power for herself. Why she should do this is not clear. She was bound to face violent opposition. The only credible explanation is that every one of her male children and grandchildren were already dead, and she did not want to die with them.

It’s possible that the boys were killed by Jehu’s followers, and that Athaliah managed to save herself but was later blamed for the carnage.

According to the Bible narrative, one royal princeling, Jehoash, was saved from the massacre by the quick action of Jehosheba, Athaliah’s sister. She hid the baby and his nurse in a remote bedroom of the palace, and kept him hidden for the next six years.

During this time Athaliah was the ruler of Judah – the only female monarch Judah or Israel ever had. But at the end of that six years there was another palace coup, led by one of the Yahwist priests, Jehoiada – who was also, as it happened, the husband of Jehosheba. He knew about the hidden boy, and produced the by-now six year old, telling members of the military they should place the boy on the throne – with Jehoiada as regent, of course.

The breakaway group crowned the boy and anointed him, saluting him with cries of ‘Long live the King!’

They then went after Athaliah. She ran to the Temple but was cornered, alone in a hostile crowd.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

Here are 6 women & men Christians should avoid dating and most certainly, consider for marriage.

Here are 6 women & men Christians should avoid dating and most certainly, consider for marriage.

A Woman Who Doesn’t Believe
This is the most important factor of all.  Since we are commanded to not be unequally yoked with non-believers, then how much more so should a man not even consider dating someone who doesn’t believe (2 Cor 6:14)?  A Christian man should never consider dating an unbeliever, just as no woman should ever think about dating a non-believing man.  It’s foolish to think that you can date her and lead her to saving faith in Christ. This could certainly backfire on you.

Women Who Don’t Put God First
This may be one of the greatest factors for men to consider in not dating a woman.  If a woman never puts God first, then she may be putting herself first.  If she doesn’t put God first then she’ll likely have you way down on her priority list too.  No woman or man for that matter should ever be dated who doesn’t seek God and His kingdom first and foremost (Matt 6:33).

Women Who Don’t Like Children
Men should avoid dating any woman who doesn’t like children because what happens if this arrangement leads to marriage and later on, there are children born into your family.  You can sense how she might be around children in church or in public but you can also tell by her regard for children in general, during conversations.  There is nothing more revealing about a person’s character than in the way that they react to children when encountered.

Women who don’t Pray
If you are considering dating a woman but have never had any inclination that this woman prays, then this could be a sign that she would not be a good match for you.  I believe that prayer is the pulse of the believer’s spiritual life and if there is no prayer, there is no pulse.

Women who Speak ill of their Parents
Do you know how this woman treats her mother?  How does she speak about her father?  Is there a good relationship with her parents?   If you have started to date or are considering dating a woman, first meet her parents or ask her about her parents and see how she speaks about them?   If there is no natural respect or love for her parents, maybe you could ask her why.  No one has perfect parents of course but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still try to honor them.

Women with Warning Signs
Another type of woman who men should not consider dating is one that drinks in excess or has a substance abuse problem.  There are warning signs that are sometimes present like drinking early in the day or taking an inordinate amount of pills, even if they are prescribed.   She may have a valid reason for taking medicine but if you sense in your heart that something is wrong ask her why she might be taking certain medications and ask why she has to do so.  There is nothing wrong with asking someone you are considering dating a few questions if you have concerns.  A woman who’s not trying to hide anything shouldn’t have any hesitations in addressing your concerns.

Conclusion
Before a man dates any woman, be as sure as you can be that she’s been born again and has shown fruits of conversion (John 15).  Dating can often lead to marriage but no marriage is always better than a bad one because it could lead to a potential divorce and God never intended for a man and a woman to divorce but to marry until death do they part.

Here are six types of men that you should avoid in having a friendship or a relationship with:

Men Who Don’t Put God First
I believe that this one is the most important of all.  If a man doesn’t put God first in His life then he’ll likely put you way down in his list of priorities.  A man that has Jesus Christ at the center of his life will also likely hold his girlfriend or wife in high regard because men are commanded to love their wife like Christ loved the church and gave his life for her (Eph 5:25).

Men Who Are Consumed with Hobbies
My wife loves college football and basketball and even the NFL but she isn’t consumed with them.  She would rather do things with the family and miss a game than be glued to the TV until the game or games are over.  If a man has a compulsion with hobbies, you might end up in second place to whatever it is he is consumed with.  Wouldn’t you rather have a man that is consumed with glorifying God first and then put his wife or girlfriend next?

Men Who Mistreat Their Mother
Any man that speaks harshly or mistreats his mother is likely to treat the other females in his life the same way.  For one thing, he is breaking the Fifth Commandment to honor his father and your mother.   There is a strong correlation between how a man treats his mother with how he will treat his girlfriend or wife.  This is a strong red flag if he is harsh or mistreats his mother.

Men Who Only Care About Themselves
I once heard about a woman who complained that her husband acted like God.   He all but wanted to be worshiped.  Everything had to be about him and he wanted to always be the center of attention.  Now God is worthy of that place in our life but no man should ever take center stage or the woman should immediately exit stage left!

Men Who Treat Animals Harshly
Women, take a close look at how a man treats his pets or treats other animals.   All animals are part of God’s creation too and we read in the first few chapters of Genesis that God said “and it was good” and this included the creation of animals so if a man mistreats animals or acts with indifference in their care, then that man would be one that I would avoid at all costs.

How is He around Children?
Another red flag is if you see a man who doesn’t like children or even like to be around them.  Children are precious to God and if this man is a potential mate and father to your children and he can’t stand being around children or has a short fuse around them, take warning because he may treat them even worse when he has his own family and you’d likely be better off without this type of man.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

4 Sure-Fire Ways to Overcome Temptation

4 Sure-Fire Ways to Overcome Temptation

Here are four ways you can overcome temptation in your life today.

Memorizing Scripture
When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness, each of the three times He resisted this temptation by quoting Scripture back to the Devil.  You might notice that Satan took Scripture out of context but Jesus put all three of the Scriptures in proper context so do what David said he did “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11).  Notice the way David worded it…he hid God’s Word in his heart (memorized it) so that he might not sin against God.  No wonder we are told to “treasure up [His] commandments” in our heart or mind (Prov 2:1).

Take Drastic Action
Jesus used hyperbole or extreme exaggeration to make a point when He said “if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away” (Matt 5:30a)or “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away” (Matt 5:29).  Now if anyone actually did gouge their eye out they still have the other eye they can lust with or if they did cut off their hand, they have the other hand to still sin with so we see Jesus is simply telling us to take as drastic of an action as is necessary.  For those who are addicted to pornography, either get rid of the Internet or find a friend to put on a password protected filter on it. You must be proactive in resisting temptation and as Jesus shows, it takes drastic steps to avoid such temptation that can lead to sin.

Make a Covenant with your Eyes
Every one of us battles with lust but I remember reading Job 31:1 which says “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?”  I took that same covenant that Job made with his eyes and made it mine own.  I don’t watch very much TV but when I am watching, the instant something comes on that is inappropriate, I either turn it off or change the channel.  Even on TV you’ll frequently find soft porn in commercials or on programs which can lead to lusting in the heart…and it will if you don’t resist it at that very moment.  Resist the Devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7).

Keep Watch and Pray

Jesus gave us great advice for avoiding temptation when He said in Matthew 26:41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  Watching means being careful where you go and what you see and being diligent to avoid areas where temptation is a greater risk…praying means to be asking God for supernatural help in avoiding and then overcoming temptation.  Just like you, my spirit is willing, but wow, my flesh sure is weak.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

What does the bible say about finding a Husband or a Wife.

What Does The Bible Say about findings a Husband.

When a Christian woman is looking for a husband, she should seek a man “after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22). The most important relationship that any of us have is our personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. That relationship comes before all others. If our vertical relationship with the Lord is as it should be, then our horizontal relationships will reflect that reality. Therefore, a potential husband should be a man who has his focus upon walking in obedience to God’s Word and who seeks to live so that his life brings glory to God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

What are some other qualities to look for? The apostle Paul gives us the qualities we should look for in a husband in 1 Timothy chapter 3. In this passage are the qualifications for a leader in the church body. However, these qualities should grace the lives of any man who walks “after God’s heart.” The qualities can be paraphrased as follows: a man should be patient and controlled in his demeanor, not filled with pride but of sober mental attitude, able to master his emotions, given to graciousness to others, able to patiently teach, not given to drunkenness or uncontrolled use of any of God’s gifts, not prone to violence, not overly focused upon the details of life but focused upon God, not apt to be a hot-head or be thin-skinned so that he takes offense easily, and grateful for what God has given, rather than envious of what gifts others have received.

The above qualities describe a man who is actively engaged in the process of becoming a mature believer. That is the type of man a woman should look for as a potential husband. Yes, physical attraction, similar interests, complementary strengths and weaknesses, and the desire for children are things to consider. These things, though, must be secondary to the spiritual qualities a woman should look for in a man. A man you can trust, respect, and follow in the path of godliness is of far greater value than a man of good looks, fame, power, or money.

Finally, when “looking” for a husband, we must be surrendered to God’s will in our lives. Every woman wants to find her “prince charming,” but the reality is that she will probably marry a man with as many flaws as she has. Then, by God’s grace, they will spend the rest of their lives together learning how to be a partner to, and servant of, each other. We must enter into the second most-important relationship of our lives (marriage), not under an emotional cloud, but with eyes wide open. Our most important relationship, with our Lord and Savior, has to be the focus of our lives.

The most important personal relationship that a man can have, outside of his spiritual relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ, is his relationship with his wife. In the process of looking for a wife, the highest principle is to look for a woman with a personal faith in Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). Unless a man and woman are in full agreement on this most crucial issue, a godly and fulfilling marriage cannot take place.

However, marrying a fellow believer does not guarantee the full experience of being “equally yoked.” The fact that a woman is a Christian does not mean she is necessarily a good match for you spiritually. Does she have the same spiritual goals as you? Does she have the same doctrinal beliefs? Does she have the same passion for God? The qualities of a potential wife are crucially important. Far too many men marry for emotional or physical attraction alone, and that can be a recipe for failure.

What are some godly qualities a man can look for in a wife? Scripture gives us some principles we can use to create a picture of a godly woman. She should first be surrendered in her own spiritual relationship with the Lord. The apostle Paul tells the wife that she is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-24). If a woman is not surrendered to the Lord, she will not likely see submission to her husband as necessary to her own spiritual well-being. We cannot fulfill the expectations of anyone else without first allowing God to fill us with Himself. A woman with God at the center of her life is a good candidate for a wife.

Paul also gives some character traits for a woman in his instructions about leaders in the church. “In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything” (1 Timothy 3:11). In other words, this is a woman who is not overly proud, knows when to speak and when to be silent, and is able to take her place beside her husband in confidence. She is a woman whose first focus is upon her relationship with the Lord and her own spiritual growth.

What Does The Bible Say about finding a wife.

The responsibilities of marriage are greater for the husband, for God’s order places him as the head of his wife and his family. This headship is modeled after the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). It is a relationship grounded in love. Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it, the husband is to love his wife as he does his own body. Therefore, a man’s personal spiritual relationship with the Lord is of supreme importance in the success of his marriage and his family. Willing sacrifice and the strength to choose to be a servant to the betterment of his marriage are the marks of a maturing spiritual man who honors God. Wisely choosing a wife based upon biblical qualities is important, but of equal importance is a man’s own ongoing spiritual growth and his surrender to God’s will in his life. A man who is seeking to be the man God wants him to be will be able to help his wife be the woman God desires her to be and will be able to build the marriage into the union God, he, and his wife desire it to be.

Reference: got questions. Org

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

6 Tips for being a Godly Husband

Learn how to become the husband God desires you to be

by Bob Lepine with Chris Lawrence

God’s purpose for marriage is to make us more like Christ.

When I applied for a marriage license a year after I had graduated from college, all I had to do was pay a fee.

There was no training, no video and no job description.

In spite of the fact that I lacked many of the fundamental skills on how to make a marriage work, the license was granted!

I know there are many men today who are trying to figure out exactly what God expects of them as husbands.

So I came up with a list of the things I believe are central to being a godly husband.

1. Be a Spiritual Leader

Your wife probably came into the marriage with some idealized image of the 2 of you beginning each day around the breakfast table with some fresh-squeezed orange juice, doing devotions together.

She imagined you leaving for work and saying, “I’ll be back this evening, and we can have devotions again.”

About a month into the marriage, your wife was probably thinking, What happened? Reading the Scriptures and praying together is so important. If I could rewind my marriage and start that practice earlier, I would do it in a second.

No matter how long you’ve been married, now is the time to develop a pattern that can work in your marriage. Remember, it’s a husband who ought to initiate this.

“A man may not be a vocational theologian,” says Doug Wilson, author of Reforming Marriage.

“But in his home, he needs to be the resident theologian.”

2. Lead With Humility

The reason there is such a debate about whether men ought to be leaders in a marriage relationship is because too many men have not led with humility.

Men may be called by God to lead their wives, but our leadership should be selfless.

Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (New International Version).

Put this verse into practice, and it will solve 95 percent of the issues you face.

I have never met a woman who says, “I resist my husband’s leadership even though he is very humble and Christlike.”

The women I’ve met are craving godly leadership in their marriages.

3. Be a Godly, Courageous Man

First Corinthians 16:13 gives a clear definition of biblical masculinity: “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong”. Before we can be godly husbands, we must be men of courage.

Wrapped up in that definition of what it means to be a man is the idea of courage.

And the essence of courage is to have such a great fear of God that you fear nothing else.

4. Be a Provider

The husband should bear the primary responsibility for the financial needs of the home.

In fact, 1 Timothy 5:8 says if a man fails to provide for his household, he is worse than a pagan. That’s not the kind of reputation I want to have in the community.

Part of the root meaning for the word provider means “to look ahead.”

A provider is one who anticipates and does the strategic planning for the household. He thinks about the goals. Not just the financial goals, but the spiritual goals and emotional goals.

In a sense, he is chief executive officer of the corporation. It’s his responsibility to set the direction.

And many times his wife is the chief operating officer. The 2 of them need to unify their direction for the good of the family.

5. Love God More Than You Love Your Wife

After 3 years of dating Mary Ann, we began to talk about marriage. A little while later we broke up. I was devastated.

While praying one night, things became crystal clear: Mary Ann had become an idol in my life. I cared more about what made her happy than what made God happy.

It was as if God were saying, “You will have no other gods before me, and if you put something or someone else in My place, I will remove it.”

In 25 years of marriage, I still run into the same problem. I keep myself in check with this question: Whom do I fear more: my wife or God?

The level of pain may be more immediate or more pronounced when I don’t please my wife. Because when I don’t please God, He doesn’t go into the other room and get silent on me.

But God reminds me, “You do the right thing, even if, for the moment, it doesn’t make her happy.”

6. Love Her Biblically and Extravagantly

To love her biblically, we need to ask, “What is God’s love for us like?” The essence of His love for us is reflected in His commitment to us and His sacrifice for us. That’s what our love for our wife needs to look like too.

For me, it often means placing her needs ahead of my own. And it means that I will still sacrifice for her even when we disagree. She must be my priority.

Remember the little line in the marriage vow, “Forsaking all others, until death do us part”?

That means your relationship with your wife is more important than any other relationship — friends, your boss or even your children.

Put simply, we must love our wives more than anything on earth; that is the essence of the marriage relationship.

D.L. Moody summed it up best: “If I want to find out whether a man was a Christian, I wouldn’t go to a minister; I’d go and ask his wife.

If a man doesn’t treat his wife right, I don’t want to hear him talk about Christianity. What is the use of talking about salvation for the next life if he has no salvation for this life?”

This past May, Mary Ann and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Maui, Hawaii. The surroundings were incredible, but really we were just happy to be together.

Over dinner that night, we could both say that in spite of any challenges that have come our way, we wouldn’t change the outcome of our shared 25 years.

That’s because God has used our relationship with each other more than anything else to make us more like Christ. And ultimately, that is His purpose for marriage.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

12 Tips for a Christ-Centered Marriage

  Written by Darlene Schacht

The arrival of spring carries with it a number of blessings: flowers, sunshine, walks in the park, and the preparation of weddings. In just a few months the season of white dresses, black tuxedos and ring bearing boys will be upon us.

Young men and women will be saying “I do,” but until then they have plans to take care of. Among many things, there are flowers to choose, songs to select, and a main course to decide on.

Do you remember the excitement in all of that?

Most of us have been there and while it was one of the most beautiful seasons of our lives, it all ended too quickly. Once the dress was packed away and the flowers were hung to dry we started a new chapter of our lives–one that has called us to live and to love in ways that we’ve never imagined.

The way that we choose to embark on this chapter sets the course for our lives. Will we choose God’s plan for marriage which is perfect in every way? Or do we consider His ways too old-fashioned, too old-school for couples today?

Here’s the thing. The Bible tells us that He’s the same God yesterday today and forever. He’s both the author and finisher of our faith. And the idea of marriage? It was planned long before any of us stepped foot on this earth. We serve an incomparable God who is perfect in every way and Whose wisdom runs deeper than any one of us could ever conceive.

God’s word is the perfect guidebook for marriage, and those who live by His Word will reap the blessings that obedience brings.

Will some of these look the same as any other marriage? Yes, on the outside they might. A wife could submit to her husband out of tradition or loyalty, and yes, any couple could cultivate friendship, etc. The difference between the two must be this: the way we treat our spouse in a Christ-centered marriage is an extension of our love toward God. 

When we love God will all of our heart, we seek His will for our marriage. We don’t love our husbands the way that we do because it’s popular to do so, or because it’s a family tradition. We do so because we believe that His Word is just as powerful and effective as it was thousands of years ago. We do so because His wisdom runs deep. And we do so because we love God with all our heart, our soul and our mind.

When the going gets tough? We lean on God’s wisdom instead of our own.

Whether we’re sitting in a church pew, we’re down on our knees in prayer, or we’re standing at the sink washing dishes, our marriage will bring glory to God when we love for the sake of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

Let’s look at twelve tips for marriage that are in line with God’s will for our lives:

Marriage Tip No. 1: Pray with and for each other. 

Prayer is a powerful tool in any marriage, but too often it’s put on the back burner and considered a last resort. Not only are we told to pray in scripture–we’re told to pray without ceasing. That doesn’t have to mean that we’ll be in the prayer closet 24/7, it can be as simple as talking to God while you’re folding laundry, thanking Him while you’re out for a walk, or holding hands around the dinner table. There are so many ways that we can incorporate prayer into our marriage, isn’t there?

Pull prayer to the forefront of your marriage. Seek the will of God in all that you do and give him the glory for all that He’s done!

Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 2: Communicate with love and respect. 

This means that we must exercise holding our tongue and controlling our temper. The more we control our selves, the easier it is to do over time. It’s like exercising a muscle that gets stronger with use. The worse thing we can is to lose control of our tongue and say damaging things that can’t be taken back.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. – Ephesians 4:29 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 2: Submit to your husband.

Marriage is designed to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church, and so we submit to our husbands as a reflection of that love. In return, the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Keep in mind that He loved the church enough to sacrifice His own life for it.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; – Ephesians 5:22-25 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 4: Be Willing to Give More than You Get

Marriage isn’t 50/50. Love isn’t about taking turns, waiting to be served, or keeping track of who apologized last.

Why not? Because true love isn’t self seeking. When you love someone, you want the best for them and you hope for the best.

Without pride we wouldn’t need to address this. It wouldn’t be an issue in any relationship. Pride is what takes our eyes off of God and onto ourselves. But we’re called to be Christ-like which means that we love the unlovable, and give of ourselves sacrificially.

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? – Matthew 5:46 (NIV

Marriage Tip No. 5: Cultivate Friendship

Don’t ever lose sight of the man that you married. My guess is that you started out as friends and my advice for you is that you finish that way. Couples who keep their friendship alive, also keep their spark alive, and that’s something you never want to lose!

How do you maintain a friendship with your husband? The answer is simple really. It’s all about being friendly. Consider the close friendships you’ve had and ask yourself who that person was to you. What made that relationship stand out from the others?

Was she someone that you could rely on? Was she sincerely interested in your life? Was she your cheerleader? Did the two of you have fun? Considering these characteristics may help you determine how you can best be a friend to your husband.

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 6: Stop the Nagging, Ladies!

When you married your husband you married a man, not a project. He’s not yours to change, fix or tweak. He’s yours to love.

Yes, you can communicate your frustration to him. In fact you should be communicating. But whatever you do, resist the temptation to nag. Approach him with love and respect and then leave him to his work.

If you’re struggling in this area, don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Bring your request to the Lord and allow him to do the heart work. You’re there to love and encourage your man.

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. – Proverbs 27:15(KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 7: Show some respect.

God loved us while we were sinners, and sent His son into this world to suffer and die for our sins. He continues to bless us each and every day because He’s a God of grace. In the same way we need to exercise grace when it comes to others.

We might not respect every thing that a husband does or says. We might not agree with him completely, and we might be polar opposites. But we can offer respect by showing him the things we admire about him and loving him with a humble heart.

Long before, Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, or Dr. Laura,  stepped onto the scene, God knew the importance of respect toward a husband and the impact it can have in a marriage. Therefore he commanded:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:33, NIV

Marriage Tip No. 8: Don’t talk bad about your husband. Ever.

Honor your husband by being his cheerleader and trustworthy companion when he’s out of your sight. If your tongue has been babbling on for several years, consider it a wild horse. You need to tame that horse by training it thought by thought and word by word–taking every thought captive, until you’re willing to yield to the obedience of Christ.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, NIV

Marriage Tip No. 9: Keep your sex life alive.

When you live with someone a long time and you start getting comfortable with them, it can be tempting to get lazy when it comes to affection. Whether it’s hand holding, hugging, or making love, it’s important that we keep that area of our marriage alive so that we are showing each other the affection we need. Married couples are more than just friends, they are lovers too.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. – 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Marriage Tip No. 10: Get the idea of divorce out of your mind. Completely.

Be determined to work together until you find a solution rather than walking away when the going gets tough. Don’t set yourself up for a failure.

Marriage is a covenant that reflects the union between Jesus Christ and the church. We have the assurance that He won’t turn His back on us. His grace and forgiveness is unfailing, which is the same mindset that we should have toward others. We’ve been forgiven much, therefore we have much to forgive.

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. – Mark 10:9 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 11: Have fun together.

Some of the best times that my husband and I have together are when we’re playing a board game with the kids or kicking a ball around outside. Spending time together away from the phone and computer to relax and play, is a great way to promote laughter and fun. Laughter is one the best things we share!

Let your fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of your youth. – Proverbs 5:18 (KJV)

Marriage Tip No. 12: Appreciate what you have.

This one is last, but definitely not least. When we start counting our blessings it turns our focus off of the things that we don’t have and onto the things that we have.

Appreciating our husbands, and showing him that we’re thankful for the things that he does is a great way to express our love. It’s also a good way to turn our focus away from ourselves and onto the goodness of God.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. – 1 Timothy 6:6-7 (KJV)

You are loved by an almighty God,

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships

How I Learned I Was Praying for The Wrong things

Are you asking God for the right things? Are you praying the right prayer? Are you listening to God respond to your prayer or are you too busy pleading to hear His response? Are you ignoring Him just because His response is not the one you want to hear?

Just a few years ago, I naively thought that I would have gone through life unscathed. I constantly heard others talk about pain, struggles, problems and other issues of life that affected them, but that was never something I could relate to. Consequently, my relationship with God was not where it was supposed to be. My worship was surface and routine. Not even Christ’s sacrifice of His only son had sank in, nor was the reality of Christ’s love for me as real in my mind as it should have been. I was just living from day to day.

Somewhere along the road, God decided to reach out to me in one of the most unimaginable ways. One day, I got bruised. The pain, anger and bitterness that I had heard about all my life suddenly became my story. The sleepless nights and the constant searching for answers was all I had to remind me that I was still alive.

Torn and broken inside, I turned to the only person I knew would be able to offer me a solution.

“Please Lord, fix this” I cried for many many nights.

Nothing happened.

I pleaded with the only person I could talk to and I searched his words for promises but still…

Nothing happened.

As the days rolled on and I continued to plead, in my darkest of hours, in my most difficult situation, God decided it was time to teach me what I had not understood before. Through my crying and my weeping, my pleading and my wailing, he taught me that He was the ultimate answer to my prayer and He was what I was looking for and I totally got that.

I assume that God looked down from heaven and he smiled. He smiled because finally, His child had understood her need for him and His purpose in her life. Finally I knew what it meant to truly depend on God and to trust Him to work all things out in my favour.

His act of mercy and His presence was felt so deeply that I was moved to change my prayer. I quit asking him to take away my problems and instead I pleaded with Him to help me serve Him better. You see, problems will always arise. Situations that will seem to hard to handle will always be there. There will always be days when we feel like giving up. As long as we’re human, on our own, we will continue to falter. But if we have Him in our life, everything will be alright. In spite of the problems, He will always be a sure shoulder to lean on.

“Thank you Lord for loving me, in spite of me.” I cried in my time of desperation.

“Thank you for caring for me so much that you took the time to make sure that I saw you and I truly understood what it meant for you to love me and what it would me for me to try loving you in return.”

My prayer was suddenly David’s. I wanted God to use me; to make something of me.

“I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me! You can do it; you’ve got what it takes God.

Psalm 40:17 (MSG)

Pastor Rick Warren was stated,

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days — when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great, and you turn to God alone. It is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heart-felt, honest-to-God prayers. When in pain, we don’t have the energy for superficial prayers.”

I thank God so much today that he loved me enough to show me His face through the pain.

I’m not perfect. I still hurt Him daily and go against His will, but my prayer for us is that God would show us His way, and that we do His will and live our lives in accordance with that will.

Today, I’m holding on to His promise left in Jeremiah 29:11.

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

Let your prayer today be that God will show you His way.

Feel free to comment

and vist

facebook group: letstalkrelationships