22 SIGNS THAT YOU’RE DATING A F*CKBOY

22 SIGNS THAT YOU’RE DATING A F*CKBOY

If you’re not familiar with the term, let me bring you up to speed. ‘F*ckboy’ describes any dude who is a manwhore/player/overall sad act. Here are the 22 telltale signs your new guy is bullish*tting you:

1. He only talks about himself.

2. He’s a professional athlete…in the sport of beer pong.

3. He cheaps out and doesn’t bring his own liquor to a party, but will generously pour from your bottle.

4. He’s a big slut-shamer. He’s sexist to an extreme and doesn’t mind trash talking every woman, even his own mother.

5. He doesn’t apologize for anything, and somehow turns his f*ck-ups into your problems. And if you ask him to apologize, he throws a bonafide temper tantrum.

6. He thinks he’s always right. That’s why he’ll never say he’s sorry.

7. He ignores your interests. In fact, he probably is too busy staring at his phone to hear what you’re saying.

8. He’ll never pick up the cheque, or offer to buy you a drink. Or he’s always interested in ‘splitting’ the bill.

9. He’s a selfie fanatic. He is more absorbed with getting the perfect angle to show off his muscles than take a cute picture with you.

10. He talks about what jerks other dudes are so he’ll seem less of a jerk.

11. He puts you through a dating test to see if you’re worthy of him.

12. He announces when you pass the dating test, and now he doesn’t have to call up his just-in-case chick.

13. His Tinder profile lists “looking for fun and nothing serious”. You know what that means….

14. He and his friends are jobless. And spend every night in the club. And live with their parents.

15. He dresses himself in basic, high priced clothing a la Kanye West.

16. He has no filter when it comes to dick pics. “Hey how was your day?” is an invitation for penile pictures.

17. He’s always wanting nudes of you via Snapchat.

18. He’s notorious for “Netflix and Chill” dates. Which are less about watching a movie and more about getting in your pants.

19. He only wants to hangout late at night.

20. He won’t text back for hours no matter the situation.

21. He acts entitled to you, and doesn’t treat you like you deserve.

22. He’s basically going nowhere with his life, and will still be partying it up while you cruise on to bigger and better things.

Have you ever dated a f*ckboy? We want to hear from you!

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You Don’t Love This Person, You Love the Idea of This Person

You Don’t Love This Person, You Love the Idea of This Person

by Paul Hudson

Sometimes we hold on to the person he or she once was, not the person he or she now is.

Love is incredibly complex.

Not because it is formed of some otherworldly matter, but because it’s formed in our minds — and our minds are incredibly complex.

The thoughts we think, the way we perceive the world, the way things and other people can make us feel, the way we can make ourselves feel, it’s all intertwined in the reality that exists in our heads.

Our wants and needs will often blend in with our realities, changing the way we perceive something or someone to be.

Emotions that arise from one experience can influence the way we perceive other experiences, other interactions, other individuals.

We sometimes take the way we are currently feeling and project those emotions onto others or allow those feelings to affect decisions we make — decisions that don’t pertain, whatsoever, to the origins of those feelings.

A person’s reality is constantly in a state of flux.

When it comes to love in particular, it isn’t enough, nor is it necessary, to find someone worth loving — to find the right individual.

Relationships between the right two individuals have failed plenty of times, just as the relationships between the wrong individuals have succeeded — for at least a good period of time before the inevitable (separation or misery).

It is necessary for two people to be right for each other in order for a relationship to work, however, they don’t need to be right for each other in order to fall in love with each other.

Sometimes, it’s not the person you’re in love with, but only the idea of him or her.

Sometimes we just want someone in our lives, even if it isn’t the right fit.

We want to be loved, cared for. We want to be attended to, complimented, treated with kindness. We don’t always want to be alone.

Every once in a while, we want someone there to share experiences with, to share thoughts with, to share ideas, jokes, laughter with.

Sometimes we want to be more than just ourselves… we want to be a pair of souls.

Loneliness can be brutal. As complex as the mind can be, it’s often fragile, needing of attention, needing of companionship.

In fact, because the mind is so complex, we somehow manage to lose ourselves within it.

Especially when it comes to being alone all the time, regardless of whether or not you’re wanting to be alone.

Everyone wants his or her independence, wants to be single and living life on his or her own, until loneliness comes sneaking in.

It’s easier when you have plenty of friends and distractions but much more difficult when you actually feel like you’re alone.

But even with distractions, they only last so long. It can get so bad that often we’ll either settle for any sort of companionship — just to ward off the unpleasant emotions — or we’ll imagine someone to be a much better partner than he or she actually is.

Sometimes we hold on to the person he or she once was, not the person he or she now is.

People change. I know some refuse to believe this, but they do. It’s the way beings were created — all beings, not just humans.

Sure, we may not be capable of changing every bit of ourselves, but we can change significant parts of us, of our mentality, of the way we see the world and approach problems, even the way we treat people.

Sadly, people don’t always change for the better. Sometimes people change to worse versions of themselves.

Some would argue they are to blame. Others would argue the circumstances that led them to make the choices they did are what ought to be blamed, but pinpointing the blame, either way, is pointless.

We can argue nature vs. nurture all we want, but at the end of the day, a bad egg is a bad egg, even if he or she once was a great individual; sometimes eggs go rotten.

The problem is, when it comes to love, we aren’t always willing to see people for the people they’ve become.

When it comes to love, we like to remember how great things once were, hoping they can be just as great once again.

We only see what we want to see, not what we need to see.

Relationships usually start off well — most of you will have heard this part of the relationship referred to as the “honeymoon phase.”

Sadly, all vacations must come to an end — honeymoons included.

Some phases last for weeks, others last months and few even a couple of years.

When they’re over, the majority of relationships fall apart, however, those built on reality and not on fluff will remain intact.

Why the discrepancy in honeymoon phase length? It takes different people different amounts of time to either get to know someone or to open themselves up and allow someone to get to know them.

Once those in a couple see each others’ true colors, things often go south.

People are funny because when it comes to their realities, you’d think those things that aren’t fact would leave a sort of void. But on the contrary, we manage to fill those spaces with our imaginations.

We draw conclusions and create beliefs that aren’t based on fact or experience but on wishful thinking and blind hope.

This can often hold true for years and years, people not realizing, not truly understanding or knowing the people closest to them — usually not because the facts weren’t there in front of their eyes, but because they preferred not facing the more likely reality.

In the end, you never know what another person is thinking — it’s all probability. We just choose to believe in the less likely version of reality because it’s more appealing.

by Paul Hudson

This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.

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10 Special Qualities of Good Lovers!

Everyone wants to know that they’re bringing their partner pleasure in bed. Being an amazing lover isn’t about the tricks you know or that amazing thing you’re able to do, however. It’s about being willing to pay attention to your partner, dedicating yourself to their pleasure, and enjoying the entire experience. Wondering if you’re a good lover or just so-so? See how many of these criteria fit you.

1. You’re willing to learn.

Everyone you’re with will have a different response to the same gestures in bed. Not only that, your partner’s desires may change over time. A willingness to learn is crucial to taking your lovemaking to the next level.

2. You’re able to keep it light while still letting the passion burn bright.

Let’s face it: sometimes, things happen in the bedroom that are downright funny. If you take yourself too seriously, those moments can kill the mood and make both you and your partner miserable. On the other hand, if you can laugh at yourself, you can keep the moment going, and both of you can have a lot of fun in the process. Still, that doesn’t mean that it needs to be a laugh a minute. Your passion will help bring your partner’s higher.

3. You make your partner feel attractive.

This doesn’t just mean talking about how attractive you find their body. It’s also about taking the time to pay attention to your partner: to listen to what they have to say, to respect and respond to them in bed, and above all, to let them know that you find them desirable inside and out.

4. You aren’t afraid to be vulnerable.

Making love to someone is the ultimate vulnerability. It means opening yourself up and being willing to trust someone else completely. Your confidence in bed is one of your best attributes. When you put yourself and your fantasies out there, just hearing them will help get your partner hot and bothered, too.

5. You aren’t afraid to experiment.

The longer you’re with someone, the more likely you are to get into a rut–and that’s when the passion starts to decrease. Instead, try being a little adventurous. Open up, put yourself out there, and try something new. You never know when you might find something that both of you really enjoy.

6. You’re a fan of communication in bed.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to chatter from the moment you hop between the sheets, but knowing what your partner wants doesn’t usually come intuitively. Instead, communicate your needs and desires openly and encourage your partner to do the same.

7. You’re willing to take your time.

Good lovemaking doesn’t happen instantly, especially for women, who often need more time to work up to the big climax. Men, too, benefit from that special attention. The best way to be a lover who will never be forgotten is to be patient, willing to dedicate time to the act and enjoy the journey instead of rushing to the finish line.

8. You enjoy your partner’s pleasure.

When you’re focused on your own pleasure in bed, it can be hard to bring pleasure to your partner. On the other hand, when you truly enjoy bringing your partner pleasure, it gives you heightened status and capability as a lover.

9. You leave the judgment at the door.

Between two consenting adults, there is very little that is “gross” or “disgusting.” It might not be everyone’s cup of tea. It might not even be yours. But if your partner is willing to trust you with their fantasies, you should be willing to give them the respect and courtesy of treating them without judgement. Be willing to try something new. You never know when you’ll enjoy it more than you think.

10. You keep your head in the game.

Make eye contact with your partner and enjoy them instead of thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner or all the items on your agenda for tomorrow. When you’re thinking about something else in the middle of the act, your partner knows it, and your lovemaking skills suffer.

You have the capacity to be an amazing lover. The secret is simple: focus more on your partner than on yourself, let go of your inhibitions, and enjoy! These simple steps will take you on your way to becoming the best lover your partner has ever had.

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Make The Strongest Antibiotic With Only 2 Natural Ingredients

Make The Strongest Antibiotic With Only 2 Natural Ingredients

Turmeric is a spice that was very popular with ancient healers dating back more than 5,000 years because, even then, it was known as one of Mother Nature’s most powerful and versatile medicinal plants with a wide range of therapeutic uses. It is still a truly remarkable healer for treating modern disease. Many illnesses and common infections can be successfully treated with a healthy immune system and a natural antibiotic healer to help us maintain optimal health rather than using prescribed antibiotics.

Turmeric

Turmeric’s powerful active chemical compound is called curcumin, which gives it its vibrant yellow-orange color and is a potent but safe agent against anti-inflammatory, anti-arthritic, antioxidant and anti-carcinogen problems. Turmeric also protects the liver by keeping the liver functioning optimally as the body’s primary

Additionally, turmeric is an antibacterial agent that can be taken internally or applied directly to the skin. The spice also disinfects and prevents infection and helps to stop swelling and pain while promoting the healing of damaged skin tissue.

Honey

Honey is another amazing natural antibiotic with antibacterial and other beneficial properties and can even be a potent answer to drug resistant bacteria such as MRSA.

“Golden Honey” mixture

This is the strongest known natural antibiotic The combination is known to improve digestion and increases the beneficial flora in the gut, is amazing at the first signs of a cold, and has many other uses. It will last for three days.

How To Make It:

Mix 3.5 ounces of raw honey with 1 Tablespoon of Turmeric powder. Mix well and put into a jar. What could be easier than that?

For example, for a cold, on Day One take half a teaspoon every hour throughout the day; on Day Two take half a teaspoon every two hours, and on Day Three take half a teaspoon three times a day. Let the mixture stay in your mouth until completely dissolved. Usually, after three days, the cold subsides.

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10 Things I wish I’d known About Gaslighting

10 Things I wish I’d known About Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality. There’s a good chance that you now know more about gaslighting than most therapists. And that is really unfortunate, because if you have experienced gaslighting, it’s going to be really hard to untangle it yourself. Unfortunately, you may have to, and I want to tell you that you are not alone. Let me share my experience.

Here are 10 things I wish I’d known at the beginning. Let’s do this together.

1. Gaslighting doesn’t have to be deliberate

About the fifth time I called a close friend of mine on the phone, gasping for air, asking “Am I a monster?” he finally said, “Emma, he’s gaslighting you.”
What the hell is gaslighting? I thought. Wikipedia told me that it came from an old movie, where the main character makes changes in the environment and then insists to his victim that she is simply imagining these changes. Whaat? I thought. My partner is not doing that. I could not imagine him plotting and manipulating my environment or our interactions to make me feel crazy. He’s a human being who is hurt… who I keep hurting. It’s me, not him.

Unfortunately, the first definition I looked up was woefully inadequate. Gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting. Gaslighting only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality. The rest just happens organically when a person who holds that belief feels threatened. We learn how to control and manipulate each other very naturally. The distinguishing feature between someone who gaslights and someone who doesn’t, is an internalized paradigm of ownership. And in my experience, identifying that paradigm is a lot easier than spotting the gaslighting.

Gaslighting tends to follow when intimidation is no longer acceptable. I believe that gaslighting is happening culturally and interpersonally on an unprecedented scale, and that this is the result of a societal framework where we pretend everyone is equal while trying simultaneously to preserve inequality. You can see it in the media constantly. For instance, every time an obvious hate crime is portrayed as an isolated case of mental illness, this is gaslighting. The media is saying to you, what you know to be true, is not true. Domestic violence wasn’t seen as a serious crime until the 1970s. So, did we, in the last 40 years, address the beliefs that cause domestic violence? No. But now if you beat your wife you’re usually considered to be a bad guy. So what do you do, with all the beliefs that would lead you to violence, if violence is no longer an acceptable option? You use manipulation, and you use gaslighting.

2. Manipulation and gaslighting are distinct behaviors

Maybe a better way to put this is that gaslighting is a type of manipulation, but not the only type. Manipulation usually centers around a direct or indirect threat that is made in order to influence another person’s behavior. Gaslighting uses threats as well, but has the goal of actually changing who someone is, not just their behavior. It’s important to recognize that gaslighting and garden variety manipulation are not the same. Both will degrade your self esteem, but gaslighting, when effective, will actually damage your trust in yourself and your experience of reality.

3. Gaslighting does not always involve anger or intimidation

The book The Gaslight Effect refers to a type of gaslighting called glamour gaslighting. This is where the gaslighter showers you with special attention, but never actually gives you what you need. They put you on a pedestal, but then they are not there, in fact they may get angry at you, when you need a shoulder to cry on. It becomes difficult, after a while, to identify why it is that you feel so alone and hollow. In another type of gaslighting, the gaslighter is always transformed into the victim. Whenever you bring up a problem, you find yourself apologizing by the end of the conversation. For me, these were the worst exchanges. Every gaslighter/gaslightee relationship is different, but for me, there was a very specific pattern. I would say something to him. He would have a very strong emotional reaction to it, far above what I would have anticipated. I would backtrack, to try figure out what I had said, and how to make it better. He would accuse me of inconsistency when I backtracked. I would try to explain that I was adjusting to try to communicate best with him, because clearly I was failing. He would tell me that my inconsistency implied that I was lying. I would say no, no, I know I’m not lying. Maybe, I just can’t remember it right. “It seems I can’t trust your memory,” he would say. We would never return to the original issue. I usually ended up crying hysterically.

4. It is normal to not be able to remember what happened

This, more than anything, is something I wish I had known. It was a secret I kept, that fed my self doubt and guilt for years after I left. I used to black out. I remember conversations, where I would start standing in the kitchen, and end up in a ball on the floor. Just days after it happened, I would not be able to remember what happened in the time in between. I would not even be able to remember what the conversation was about. My abuser accused me of abuse while I was with him, and then publicly for years after. It’s one of the reasons I left — because I could not figure out what I was doing or how to fix it, and I could not bear the thought that I might be abusive to someone. I have ripped my memories apart, trying to figure what it was that he experienced. What it was that I did. And I have found some things in me that needed to change, as all people who look deeply at their abusive tendencies will find. But I could not, in my own memory, find what it was that he saw in me. I could not find the narcissist. I could not find the vicious manipulator. I could not find the home wrecker. But I had black spots in my memory. Completely black. And I wondered — Is that when it happened? Is that when I abused him?
Losing spots in your memory makes it very plausible when someone tells you that they cannot trust your memory. It makes it very plausible when they tell you that you are abusive. But, it is normal to lose your memory when you are being gaslighted. In fact, it is one of the signs that you should look for. It’s a good sign that it’s time to leave.

5. There are distinct stages, and these stages can progress after the relationship is over

A gaslighter does not simply need to be right. He or she also needs for you to believe that they are right.
In stage 1, you know that they are being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate — your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage 1, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

In stage 2, you consider your gaslighter’s point of view first and try desperately to get them to see your point of view as well. You continue to engage because you are afraid of what their perspective of you says about you. Winning the argument now has one objective — proving that you are still good, kind, and worthwhile.

In stage 3, when you are hurt, you first ask “what’s wrong with me?” You consider their point of view as normal. You start to lose your ability to make your own judgements. You become consumed with understanding them and seeing their perspective. You live with and obsess over every criticism, trying to solve it.

Looking back, I see that I was deep in stage 2 when I left the relationship. However, I continued to try to have a friendship with him for months after. I longed for resolution, understanding and forgiveness. And when I finally went no contact, instead of healing, I actually moved into stage 3. I did not understand, nor did I know how to solve the gaslighting that I continued to do to myself after the relationship was over. And if I could go back and give myself, or really anyone who even suspects they have been in a gaslighting relationship, one piece of advice, it’s to go no contact immediately for at least a year. It’s really really hard. It’s hard because it may still feel like that understanding and resolution is right around the corner. It is hard to let go of that. But you don’t have to yet, just commit to a year. Anyone who is not abusive will not punish you for the space you need to heal. And when I say no contact, I mean complete no contact. I mean distance yourself from mutual friends. Block your gaslighter on social media. Ask your friends to not give you any new information about them unless it directly pertains to your safety. Fuck anyone who says you are being unreasonable. You need this to heal, and you need the space to learn how to stop gaslighting yourself.

6. There are distinct traits that make you more susceptible to gaslighting, but they can also be superpowers

There are three tendencies that will pull you into a gaslighting exchange. These tendencies are the need to be right, the need to be understood and the need for approval. Additionally, certain traits, such as being empathic, being a caretaker, needing to see your partner in a positive light, and being a “people pleaser,” will make you more susceptible.

But, I would strongly urge you to not go in and try to crush these wonderful things about you. You care strongly about your ideas, and about other people. You want to understand and be understood. You care about your effect on other people, and you’re willing to change to accommodate the people around you. And ironically, your gaslighter probably told you that you were selfish and cruel and oblivious. And then perhaps your therapist told you that you need to stop caring so much because it draws you into abuse. What to do?

Empathy is important. It’s important for all of us. It makes me angry when people tell me that my empathy is a weakness. My empathy is a superpower. My desire and ability to empathize kept me locked into a cycle of abuse, yes. But my desire to empathize was not the problem. The problem was that I did not realize that sometimes empathy is not the right approach. Sometimes the right approach is to not engage and instead to make space. Make space for yourself and your gaslighter by setting boundaries. Make so much space for your abuser that they can no longer effect you. If they are right about you, it’s the best thing you can do for them. If they are wrong about you, it’s the best thing you can do for you. For me, it was the only option.
The ability to hear criticism and then to change yourself for the better based on that feedback is also a fucking superpower. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My problem was not my willingness to change, but my willingness to change for the wrong reasons. Change should make you bigger, it should increase your tank of self love, it should make you stronger, clearer, more directed, more differentiated, and more compassionate. The pain of growth is different than the pain of destruction. One will fill you with love and pride, even when it is hard, and the other will fill you with shame and fear. No one should use shame or fear to try to get you to change. When they do this they are not asking for change, they are asking for control.

7. You know what your truth is. You always have. You always will.

Your gaslighter does not see you. You are a shadow standing to the side, trying not to attract attention, while he showers his image of you with love and attention. And no matter how much your mind is in knots, you know this to be true. You know the space you occupy, even if you hate yourself for it. If you look back, if you look inside, you will see that you always knew that something was wrong. It may feel like you lost your core. But it was always there. The alarm system always worked, you just learned to stop listening to it. You have not lost as much as you think.

8. The end game is not confrontation, it’s non-engagement

A really common trope I see in movies and literature, is the abuse victim who confronts their abuser. They confront them years later, and in that moment show themselves and their abuser that they don’t have to be afraid anymore.
I crave that catharsis, because I am afraid. But I can never address that fear through confrontation. I can only address it by confidence in my ability to set and enforce my own boundaries.
When you engage in any way, you tell your gaslighter and yourself that your reality is up for debate. Your reality is not up for debate. If you are like me, you have had a million conversations in your head, and it’s those conversations that are killing you. Your reality is not up for debate. You do not have to rehearse for a conversation that you will never have.

It is ridiculous when someone tries to tell you who you are, what you feel, what you think, what you intended, or what you experienced. When it happens, you should be angry, puzzled, or maybe even concerned for them. You might stop, stunned, and ask “what would make you think that you could know what’s inside of me? Are you OK?” Instead, many of us will find ourselves trying to reach understanding. No, that’s not what happened, that’s not what I felt, that’s not what I feel! And this is a reasonable response, to a point. But if the goal of the conversation is to exchange power, and not to exchange understanding, you will never ever ever win.

I would like to propose that the best solution to make you less susceptible to gaslighting, is to learn how to identify the objective of a conversation. A conversation with the purpose of mutuality should not make you feel afraid, ashamed, disoriented or confused. You do not have to figure out what it is they are doing, you only have to figure out what you are feeling. You only have to know when mutuality is no longer the objective, and learn how to stop engaging when that happens.

Try this:
“We will have to agree to disagree”
“I don’t like how I feel right now, and I want to finish this conversation later (or never)”
“What?”
“You’re trying to tell me what my experience is and I’m not OK with that.”
“Do not contact me again”

Communicate, communicate, communicate, right? You can solve anything with enough communication. It’s the poly mantra, and it’s wrong. You can solve a lot of things with communication, so long as the objective of both people is understanding. But the minute someone tries to replace your experience, it’s time to stop communicating, at least on that subject.

9. You must confront the threat. You must be able to leave, even if you don’t.

Every gaslighting exchange exists under the shroud of some kind of threat. For my relationship, the threat started out as disapproval, then it was the relationship that was threatened, and eventually the threat escalated to his own life. I had no ability to confront or resist the gaslighting until one by one, I confronted the fears that these threats produced in me. I grieved. I spent a week in bed and cried over everything I had poured into the relationship. One by one I tried to internally break my attachments to the things that made me feel trapped. I cried over the immense shame I felt and tried to build the strength to be able to hold it. First I grieved the family that I wanted so much to be a part of. Then I grieved my relationship with him. Finally, I questioned whether it was right for him to make me responsible for his life. It was not easy. And it was another six months before the relationship ended. But when I realized that I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, I had already internally confronted the threats that were waiting for me, and as one by one they came out in full force I was able to put one foot in front of the other and walk out the door.

10. Gaslighting may be amplified in families, poly relationships, and other groups

It is hard to stand firm when one person is trying to replace your experience, but when they have a chorus of supporters, it is nearly impossible. There is a reason why cult abuse can lead to a complete breakdown of someone’s personality. Group manipulation and abuse is devastatingly effective. I cannot easily explain the level of shame and fear that a group you are deeply invested in can produce with a coordinated attack. We need to be very careful of this in poly groups so we do not exploit this power or unwittingly enable abuse.
I know there is a lot of shame tied up in ending a relationship, and no one wants to be the bad guy. But we all owe it to each other to not participate in relationships where anyone’s self esteem is being degraded. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is fair. There are bigger things at stake here. Let’s not punish each other for doing the things we need to do to be healthy.

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Stop Being In Relationship With His Potential

Stop Being In Relationship With His Potential
Written by Dévashi Shakti

Have you ever found yourself in a cycle of really wanting to have your partner step up, but no matter how hard you try, he just…. doesn’t?

So many women are caught up expending their energy in this relentless situation. You try to be as conscious and as expressive as you can in your relationship until the point of exhaustion. You really believe you are doing your very best, because you’ve applied the personal development tools and spiritual principles you have learnt about. And still the maddening situation continues. I’ve had a lot of experience finding my way through this in my own personal life (huge apologies to my previous boyfriends!) And now this keeps coming up with my private clients who I mentor for their feminine development. Some of the beliefs and behaviours that many women are in, are supported by some collective ideas commonly found in spiritual circles that quite frankly, are not effective.
Beautiful woman, you are deeply worthy of love. It’s not you who isn’t good enough, it’s just that your approach is off!

What I suggest instead of this same old cycle is something very empowering, yet it can feel elusive to access at first. It involves letting a man be a man and staying in your feminine flow. It means no more pointing things out to him & instead being firm about your own standards. It means shifting your focus from directing his growth to having a clear sense of your own boundaries. It involves letting go of your fixation on his potential and instead developing true self worth inside of your beautiful self.
Here are some common statements & responses that come up from mentoring my private clients:
“I really want to work this out with him. I can’t just leave because I know everything is just a reflection of what’s inside me, so I should keep working on this relationship, even though it’s been a constant struggle. If I don’t work this out with him I will just have to go through it all again with a different man and start from scratch”  Aaah that old chestnut. New age beliefs applied inappropriately can end up being narcissistic and destructive. Sometimes a situation will call for you to say no with love instead of turning yourself inside-out & diminishing a man’s self confidence. It is possible that the spiritual lesson is learning when and how to say no, to choose differently & not bang your head against a brick wall (of your own creation). It’s not just about choosing to leave a relationship that’s stuck in the same rut, but sometimes it is about knowing when to shift your focus onto your own healing. If doing that leads you to leaving him, it may come back together, and it may not. Divert your fixation on him and bring that same attention to your own emotional development. Sometimes the best way it can work out is to end it. You won’t have to go through it all again with a different man if you truly learn from it – and that doesn’t mean forcing it into something it’s not. Be brave, be true.

“But I worked so hard on him all this time! If I break up with him, he’ll just end up with another woman who benefits from all my hard work that I’ve invested so much energy into.” Thinking this way is NOT a good sign! You aren’t there to mother him, to be his therapist or to coerce him into his growth with the strength of your will. That kind of ‘hard work’ is not exactly something to be proud of.

“I don’t see examples in other people’s relationships of a paradigm where they aren’t constantly going through hell with each other working on their stuff. Do empowered relationships even exist?” Yes. No one is perfect, yet there are couples who are finding their way in a co-empowered paradigm. The foundation of it is total commitment to their own personal healing, healthy emotional boundaries and authentic self worth. Discovering this tends to happen after a period of time of sincere attention on our own emotional development.

“They say ‘behind every successful man is great woman’. Aren’t I supposed to be like an advisor to him? Aren’t I meant to be emotionally articulate in communicating everything I see not working out for us? Isn’t that what a conscious spiritual woman is supposed to do?” NO, even though you’ve invested in a culture that’s told you otherwise. The way to effectively influence a man is much more subtle than many of us women think. Bombarding him with your emotional insights about him in your verbal communication is NOT the empowered womanly way. I know you just want to help, however feminine grace flows from a woman committed to staying in her own beauty. He is inspired to be the man by her side because of who she is and the high standards she has set for her own life. High self worth comes from building sincere self respect, not intellectual demands upon ourselves or another. You don’t need to try and change him, not if you want things to work out well. In his articles, Graham R White says, “Men perceive it as criticism, nagging or lack of recognition of how hard they’re trying. The act of bringing something to his attention, even when you’re doing it to try to help is perceived as an insult or an attack.” “There is no judgment attached to him by your boundaries, only your own sense of self-worth. The higher your standards, the firmer your boundaries and therefor the more pressure it will create for any man who is interested in your company.” “Men grow through pressure, not support.”
“If I stop trying to guide him to be a man with my words and let him find his way, he might never get there. I don’t want to end up alone. It’s not always horrible with him and nobody’s perfect, so I should just accept this situation right?” Many people do resign themselves to an unhealthy situation. You don’t need to be among them. Have faith.
“But I don’t know what it feels like to be cared for by a man in order to invite that level of connection.” It does help to know men who are strong in their masculinity & to see them in relationship with a woman. However it’s not the #1 thing that usually provides the healthy imprint needed for women to make different choices. Consider your own healthy standards and boundaries as like your own internal masculine, the part of you that protects and honours yourself.

“I’ve been working on myself for a really long time. What do you mean focus on my own healing?!” Being committed to your growth = being committed to truly loving yourself more & more. Tearing pieces off yourself is NOT constructive and doesn’t count as genuinely working on yourself. Unless working on yourself means doing the real inner process of emotional development from girl to woman, it’s probably just contributing to your lack of self worth. When working on yourself feels nurturing and makes you feel more radiant, that’s a good indicator you’re on the right track. Deep self care feels loving, beautiful and it actually fills a void inside that stops you NEEDING to GET a man to love you. Truly loving and nurturing ourselves fills the void that no one else can. The real inner development ‘work’ doesn’t feel tedious or tiring, it really doesn’t.
“I understand about self care and I know many things that I could be doing, yet I don’t end up doing them. There’s no real reason why, but it’s just not happening. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.” When this is going on, it’s a sure sign that you aren’t actually working on yourself in a constructive way. Let all your attention rest on nurturing your own emotional nature with deep self regard, loads of compassion & honest self acceptance. This isn’t easy to do when we feel so depleted from being out of alignment in our thoughts and behaviour. You might need to make some changes to free up your energy.

“Wouldn’t I be a selfish person if I were just focusing on my own growth, happiness & freedom?” It seems that way at first, when we are so far out of connection with our emotional alignment. However when in the rhythm of living with deep attention on filling ourselves up, it simply feels like being responsible, mature and healthy.
*****
What would life be like if you allowed yourself to stay focused on your own inner alignment? What if keeping your attention on doing what brings you joy; what makes you happy, what makes you feel beautiful & satisfied inside, is all that’s required of you?

And what if focusing on being the most joyful, turned-on woman you can be, were among the most valuable things you could contribute to your relationship?

For us as women, our commitment to loving ourselves is what WE must step up to. Applying ourselves to our own deeper emotional development allows us to trust our instincts and know how to relate effectively with our partner, as an effortless extension of our inner alignment & embodied self worth. Have faith. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in men to figure out how to meet you. They ARE out there.

As Graham R White says, “If you’ve done your own work and have worked through your own wounds from childhood and previous relationships, you have no need to give your energy to a man who is working through his. You’ll expect friendships and seek a partner who has completed his work instead of adopting a relationship based on providing mutual therapy to each other. Leave the therapy to the therapists, do your own work and then you’ll attract men who have done their own.” What a relief to hear it from a man that what they need from us is our firm boundaries born from our authentic self worth. They don’t need you to be their mother because they already have one of those. They need women who inspire them into their growth via being high calibre women (not girls who don’t know how to take care of themselves). We think we need to be supportive because that’s what we need as women for our growth. However men need the pressure of our high standards and self respect, to catalyse their interest in being the kind of men who are worthy of being by our side. It’s a beautiful alchemy.

What might happen if your primary focus became your own full feminine potential?

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What It Really Means When Someone’s ‘Dead to You’

Historically, it was life or death. Today, it’s not much better. Post published by Glenn Geher Ph.D.

Occasionally, people you know “cut someone off,” using such phrases as “that person’s dead to me”; “I will NEVER talk to him again!”; or “she’s invisible.” Sometimes a person feels so slighted by another individual as to conclude that this other person (the slighter) is no longer to be treated as a person. Of course, cutting someone off can wreak havoc on many people’s social lives, as exemplified by the following kinds of scenarios:

Oh, he is invited to the party? How could Steve have invited him!? Steve knows what he did to me! Not only am I not going to Steve’s party, I’m not inviting Steve to my next party. I may not even stay friends with Steve!
Don’t make me sit next to Sally at the meeting, please! Ever since what happened, she no longer talks to me and it’s always really uncomfortable.
I forbid you to see your cousin Frank! You know what he did last summer—that was such an insult to me and to all of us! SO disrespectful. How could you possibly still love me and remain close with him? You have to choose!

The Evolutionary Reasoning of “The Cut Off”

Social ostracism of any kind is difficult and uncomfortable to manage. It makes for difficult family relations. It makes it hard to plan weddings. It’s bad.

But under ancestral conditions, it was worse. For the lion’s share of human evolution, social worlds rarely exceeded 200 people. And folks had to deal with the same 200 people each and every day (see Dunbar, 1992). Today you could pick up and move to Chicago and start anew. That kind of thing just wasn’t an option under ancestral conditions.

Historically, getting kicked out of one’s band would have caused the most dire of consequences. Being cut off from a small number of folks in a group of 200 could easily lead to being cut out by a larger subset of individuals over time. Having important social connections removed could have meant death and/or a major lack of reproductive opportunities—both of which are evolutionary dead-ends.

Human social psychology is, thus, highly sensitive to markers of social alienation. Signs that one is “cut out” from others—not being invited to the same party that everyone else is invited to, for instance—are signs that create disproportionate levels of social anxiety.

Given this evolved psychology (see Geher, 2014 (link is external)) that we all share, cutting someone out of one’s social world can be an effective strategy at making someone feel really bad about him or herself. Cutting others off is a social strategy that plays off our evolved psychology.

Forgiveness: An Evolved Alternative

The psychology of defining others as friend or foe connects strongly with human moral emotions—a set of emotional states that evolved largely to help people stay strongly connected to others in ancestral bands (see Trivers, 1985). These include such states as remorse, shame, and regret—strong emotional states that motivate people to engage in “reparative altruism” to try to repair things with those whom you slighted.

For example, if I unwittingly say something that Joe takes as an insult to his whole family, and Joe expresses outrage publicly about this, I may feel ashamed. That feeling may motivate me to engage in such reparative behaviors as apologizing and may lead to such language on my part as “My bad!”; “I didn’t mean it!”; “How can I make it up to you?”; or, “Please forgive me!” Such behavior and language is designed to avoid a “You’re dead to me” scenario and keep one connected with the broader social group.

Forgiveness is an important behavior related to dealing with such social situations. When someone feels slighted and expresses outrage as a result, the slighter, who may feel shame and remorse, will often take steps to seek forgiveness.

There are important benefits to forgiving. First, forgiving others has the potential to raise one’s reputation as being other-oriented. When done carefully and in a way that doesn’t make one look like a punching bag in the broader group, it’s a signal that one is kind and highly trustworthy—and that one has the interests of the broader social group at heart. These are all qualities that we value in others—especially those with leadership positions. Research also shows that it feels good to forgive (see Gorsuch & Hao, 1993), suggesting that there must have been real benefits to our ancestors who were forgivers.

Bottom Line

As you get older, you come closer to having “seen it all.” I’m 45 and I can confidently say that I’ve seen at least a good bit. The social cut-off is one of the most difficult things to deal with in all social contexts. From an evolutionary perspective, we can understand why people implement it. But an evolutionary perspective also sheds light on a more productive approach to dealing with being slighted in social situations. When done well, forgiveness ends up not only keeping a social circle intact, but has the capacity to raise the status level and respect that people feel for the forgiver. There are good evolution-based reasons for the belief that to forgive is divine.

Are there people in your world that you’re cut off from? Do you have folks in your social circles who have vowed not to speak to someone else again—ever? From an evolutionary perspective, remember, perfection evades each and every one of us. Maybe it’s time to pick up that phone and say. “I know that 20 years ago we concluded that we’d never talk to each other again, but how about we bury those hatchets? We’re not getting any younger.” At the end of the day, having fewer people out there whom you have “cut off”—for whatever reasons—can only add to a more positive life.

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How Narcissistic Women Screw Men with Sex and Control

How Narcissistic Women Screw Men with Sex and Control

Abuse and women are not usually considered as one and the same. But, many men are victims of sexually abusive women. Some men are physically assaulted, while others are victims of mental abuse.

Sex and healthy relationships are synonymous. However, if you’re involved with an emotionally narcissistic woman, most likely the sex is just for her own self-esteem and well-being.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is described as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This type of person is usually self-centered, egotistical, smug and fascinated with oneself. The narcissist has been described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal power and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is, usually, someone who is considered to be self-centered.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Basically narcissistic women possess three types of sexual behavior: (1) hyper-sexuality, (2) hot and cold, or (3) frigidity. Often, the same woman can alternate between all three of these behaviors.

5 Elements of Loving Relationships

Love and a fulfilling sex life consist of five elements: Vulnerability, Trust, Intimacy, Empathy, and Respect (or lack of).

Vulnerability requires someone to take a risk and expose their true self. NPD women find it impossible to be vulnerable because she’s invested most of her life developing an elaborate and rigid exterior, and any damages are kept within herself.

Trust is what most of us have in a relationship. You trust that your partner will accept you, and not deliberately hurt you. But, a narcissistic woman trusts no one. She believes everyone is out for themselves and is trying to ‘get one over’ on her. She’s out for herself, and will endeavor to justify her thoughts by ‘getting one over’ on you.

Intimacy in a relationship should be about and include sharing, and being physically and emotionally close.

Empathy requires the couple to be in sync with each other, and be able to experience or understand what each other needs and wants.

Respect is not given by a narcissistic woman. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend as objects or possessions. She does not consider that his feelings or needs are nearly as important as hers. In other words, she does not respect you.

Empathy is not a quality found in an emotionally abusive woman. She cares nothing about anyone’s viewpoint, except than her own. She refuses to feel vulnerable, and cannot or will not tolerate emotional or psychological intimacy. However, she can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it does not require respect. She might engage in hyper-sexuality or avoid sex altogether.

Intimacy means sharing good qualities, as well as exposing faults and insecurities. Intimacy is not something this type of woman will never do. She will constantly push your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposured. And, you wind up feeling unsafe and guarded.

Why would this woman be in a relationship, if she does not trust, respect, or love you?

You are her normalcy prop. Involvement in a committed relationship or marriage provides her a “normal” appearance in the eyes of others. And, your role is to maintain her false self. For instance, “Look everyone. This man wants me, there’s nothing wrong with me, and I’m normal.”

Narcissistic women cannot exist without attention. Good or bad attention; it doesn’t matter. She ‘likes’ the idea of having a relationship, but the reality frustrates and disappoints her because you’re not ‘perfect’ or ‘good enough’ for her. Many times, she will resent you, and the abuse and rage begin.

She’ll play the role of a martyr to the hilt. She’ll profess her love for you one moment, and cut you to shreds and shut you out of her life the next. A satisfying emotional and physical connection cannot survive with someone who does not like you, and views you as a disappointment.

It’s all about control and boosting her ego.

To narcissistic women, sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion or mutual pleasure. Narcissistic women use sex as a way to lure you into the relationship. Once she is confident that she’s hooked you, sex becomes one of the tools to control you. She may lavish you with sex, or withhold sex from you.

Insatiable Sexual Performance

Sex begins with a “bang!” It will be intense and exciting – but, deceiving. The sex is a symptom of the severity of her course of action. What will seem like intense passion to you, is only her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. It’s all about controlling you, not pleasing you.

The Lure

A narcissistic women will lure you into a relationship with unspoken promises of passionate sex. But, the conditions of fulfilling this promise is only if you ‘prove’ yourself and if she ‘feels’ she can trust you. A psychopathic swindler promises something they have no intention of providing. But, a narcissistic woman uses seductive ploys and promises unclearly stated.

The passionate sex never materializes, and you will be required to continue proving that you are worthy of her. Nothing is ever enough for this type of woman. You’ll never be ‘nice’ enough, ‘do’ enough, or be able meet any of her changing rules. And, she’ll never be required to ‘reward’ you with sex. Sex is an obligation or favor to narcissistic women, and sex becomes infrequent and a reluctant chore.

Transactional Relationship

The relationship is more like a contract. She will require you ‘give’ something in order to ‘get’ something from her. For instance, if you want to have sex, then you will have to provide her with something she wants, or behave however she needs you to appear.

A narcissistic woman always has an agenda, and does not do anything without a reason. It’s a transaction, like, ‘you owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my duty, so now you will pay me in return by giving me whatever I want.’

Many men are grateful for just a bit of affection, they learn to ignore the mechanical or disinterested way their partner responds to sex. You are either an object, a human vibrator, or something to make her feel like she’s still got it.

Shame and Sex

Sometimes, this type of woman increases her control by combining sex with shame. She may label you as being ‘sick’ or ‘abnormal’ for wanting sex. You may hear statements like, ‘you’re a pervert,’ ‘all you want is sex,’ or ‘you’re a sex addict.’ Shaming you for natural desires is abusive and hurtful.

The narcissistic woman has sex only when she wants it, and many times this is after she beats you down, and you no longer have an interest in being near her. If you tell her you’re not in the mood, she will accuse you of infidelity, or of not loving her, and on and on.

Sex is only about what she needs at the moment. It has nothing to do with your needs. You are nothing more than an object who exists to service her whims and insecurities.

Screwed, but not enjoyed.

Narcissistic women, usually, are not good lovers. No doubt, she may have mastered many sexual techniques, but sex is an act of true intimacy. If you see sex as an expression of love, playfulness, desire and tenderness, sex with a narcissistic woman will never be enough.

Do you think your relationship is okay because the sex is great (that is, when you’re lucky enough to get laid)? Think again! Is the sex really that great, or is it preventing you the ability to recognize your abuse?

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13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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Men Are Victims Too: Recognizing and Dealing with Aduse

Abuse comes in many forms. Especially abuse that men often don’t recognize.

Many men have selective memories.
Most men, like myself, are unaware that they are, or have been, abused. Many men have selective memories. They remember the good times, the sex and the moments when their partner told them they were good at fixing doorknobs. Men can be perfect whipping boys. Their greatest strength is endurance in the face of conflict and terror.

They learn, as children and adolescence, to push their bodies well beyond capacity in order to net a soccer ball, or, as men, drive hard into long hours at a desk even though their soul is screaming for reprieve. Tolerance runs sovereign over self-respect.
For most men to recall a time they were treated terribly, it may take more than throwing a shoe down memory lane. They just don’t think about being treated terribly, they think about how to fix something, or how to escape, but to recall and feel are the creeds of a foreign god.  
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This false core wound provides ground for any Narcissistic or Borderline individual to come creeping into their midst, keen on exploiting that wound for all its riches.

Men are most at risk for abuse when they have grown up thinking they have to please in order to be loved, have drug addicted or alcoholic parents, or if they’ve been abandoned by a parent or guardian and think it’s their fault. They become people-pleasing puddles of mush, mashed at the stroke of a disapproving gaze. This false core wound provides ground for any Narcissistic or Borderline individual to come creeping into their midst, keen on exploiting that wound for all its riches.
They are never able to apologize, are uber critical of other people and are masterful manipulators.

Narcissists and Borderline personalities, or the skilled victim as I call them, are those who have received the same type of wounding as the people pleasers, perhaps more severe/abusive, but have responded and developed in a different way. They can be men or women. These types become the opposite of people pleasing. They are never able to apologize, are uber critical of other people and are masterful manipulators.

The skilled victim needs someone, a whipping boy, to trim their hedges and turn on the lights for them, and the whipping boy will comply, because that is how he achieves shallow acceptance, and his own version of false love.
Skilled victims are the most prone to abuse. These are some of the ways I, and other men I know, have experienced abuse. 

The skilled victim will:

* Seduce him with all the sex he wants until he has committed; then remove sex, off and on, infinitum, in order to keep him where they want him. The man will always apologize thinking he has done something wrong to have such boons retracted. This is abuse. Get out.

Develop impromptu “sicknesses” just before their man leaves to clear his head, spend time with friends, go on a solo adventure, or business trip. The expert victim will then shame him for leaving them in such a condition.
Will verbally abuse him, castrate him with their words and challenge his manhood and self-care.

Skilled victims hate seeing people take care of themselves, because it is not something they have ever been able to do, and, quite possibly, were punished for trying to do so.

A skilled victim is incapable of compromise, vulnerability, or authenticity. Either you do what they want, or they will do whatever they can to label you as an abuser.

Become an expert within the first few weeks around what the man will want to hear. They will build him up. He will be an emperor in his own skin. Once the skilled victim latches on, however, all of his strengths will, like a slow poisonous drip, be challenged and undermined, especially when they interfere with the victim’s need for self-soothing and attention.

Talk endlessly of wanting to be together for lifetimes, how they can’t wait for them to grow old together, and in the next instant they snap fangs at you for packing a box wrong. The man will be split into idealizations and degradations.  This is abuse. Leave the leaf of the praying mantis.

Empty a man’s bank account on the promise of love then blame him for a poor budget. When they are not getting their way, or if confronted, they will viciously attack a weak and tired man (who’s been working to provide) then berate his lack of energy.

Start fights with the man’s family members, friends, or other males, and if he doesn’t take their side, he will be stonewalled and questioned for his commitment.  Sometimes, they will provoke another man to the point of fighting, and demand that you defend their honor. This is abuse. Get out.

Initiate the cycle of abuse at night, keep him awake, or try to make him orgasm as much as possible so that he becomes weak and disoriented. If he likes to orgasm, they will pathologize his sex drive. Sleep and sex control are common tactics of abuse. The skilled victim’s main assault is on his ability to be present, think clearly, and pursuit of anything that does not involve the victim’s plans.

When a man finally stands up for himself, and refuses to take any more punishment, the skilled victim may become desperate, attack the man, and then tell the world they’ve been abused. They may take the children and use this false “abuse” as an excuse to keep them away from him; and then move to the next target (often the children).
This list is by no means exhaustive.
◊♦◊

As an abused man I complained and pleaded. The more I pointed out their behavior, the worse it got. Finally, after having left the Ferris Wheel of victim and abuser, I have uncovered the

following essential treasures:

Take responsibility for your gifts.
The abuse is telling you that you need to step more fully into your path in life, your passions, and take responsibility for your gifts.  The skilled victim will do anything to destroy them in order to feel loved.

Don’t give in.
A healthy partner will respect your boundaries, feel more secure in them, and will have a chance to heal inside your firmness.

The skilled victim is actually an external representation of the damage you are causing yourself by apologizing for things you shouldn’t, making waves out of your Yes’s and No’s, and folding your dreams for their satisfaction. Wake up.

The only thing you should apologize for is not being yourself. Find a way to be You.

You are gaining the benefit of not having to be your own hero – a massive responsibility.

Learn about secondary gains. They provide the reason you keep finding partners like this.  You are gaining the benefit of not having to be your own hero – a massive responsibility.  Take out the IV, get off the bed and stand up. If they keep cutting you down, leave them.

Men that lead from their heart thwart all abuse.  Believe beyond reproach that what is good for you is good for the planet. It’s sexy.

Skilled victims don’t know who they are.  Their accusations and insults are actually how they feel about themselves and their self-appraisals are actually positive characteristics they have borrowed from you.

Leaving a relationship like this requires you to grieve.  Learn how to cry, join a men’s group (I have an online one), and start doing what you know all along you need to do – for you.

Being abused is not a reason to stay in victimhood and complain. If you remain like this you will turn into a skilled victim.  Please don’t.

If your children witnessed the abuse, your leaving and self-empowering will inspire them to rise above as well.
Expert victims should never be expected to change, but as the real victim, you should expect to change yourself. 

Abuse, at some level, is a deep wake up call to spirited action.

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