Things That Affect Your Vibrational Frequency

Vibration in quantum physics means that “everything is energy”. We are beings that vibrate at certain frequencies. Each vibration is equivalent to a feeling and in the “vibrational” world, there are only two types of vibrations, the positive and the negative. Any feeling causes you to emit a vibrational frequency that can be positive or negative.

1 – The Thoughts

Every thought emits a frequency towards the Universe and that frequency returns towards the origin, then in that case, if you have negative thoughts, of discouragement, sadness, anger, fear, all of that turns towards you. That is why it is so important that you take care of the quality of your thoughts and learn to cultivate more positive thoughts.

2 – The Company We Keep

The people around you directly influence your vibrational frequency. If you surround yourself with happy, positive, determined people, you will also enter into that vibration. Now if you surround yourself with complaining, cursing and pessimistic people, be careful! They may be decreasing your frequency, and as a consequence preventing you from making the Law of Attraction work in your favor.

3 – The Music

Music is very powerful. If you only listen to music that speaks of death, betrayal, sadness, abandonment, all that will interfere in what you vibrate. Pay attention to the lyrics of the music you listen to, it may be decreasing your vibrational frequency. And remember: You draw into your life exactly what you vibrate.

4 – The Things You Look At

When you watch programs that deal with misfortune, death, betrayal, etc. your brain accepts that as a reality and releases a whole chemistry in your body, causing your vibrational frequency to be affected. Look at things that do you good, that make you laugh or happy and it will help you vibrate at a higher frequency.

5 – The Environment

Whether at home or at work, if you spend much of your time in a disorganized and dirty environment, this will also affect your vibrational frequency. Improve what is around you, organize and clean your environment. Show the Universe that you are apt to receive much more. Take care of what you already have.

6 – The Word

If you tend to complain or speak badly about things and people, this affects your vibrational frequency. To maintain your high frequency it is essential that you eliminate the habit of complaining and speaking badly about others. Thus avoid making dramas and victimizing yourself. Take responsibility for the choices of your life.

7 – The Gratitude

Gratitude positively affects your vibrational frequency. That is a habit that you should incorporate right now into your life. Start to thank for everything, for the good things and those that you consider not good, thanks for all the experiences that you have lived.

Getting stashed? A biological anthropologist explains why the ‘stashing’ phenomenon happens in relationships

Dr. Helen Fisher helps us navigate when to stay and when to go

Marc Beaulieu – CBC Life

You know when it’s happening. Apart from their Labradoodle, you haven’t met a single person in your lover’s life. In the months you’ve been dating, you’ve gotten to know their sofa and throw cushions quite well but not once have you shaken a friend’s hand or hugged a family member. Sure, you go out, and it’s fun — but they only seem to take pictures of their food. You remain well out of frame and you aren’t getting tagged. Instead, you’re getting stashed.  

To be fair, you also know when you’re guilty of stashing that not-so-special someone well out of frame. We, as humans, have actually been guilty of stashing each other for thousands of years

Thankfully, we at least have a name for it now. In the rich, ever growing millennial dating lexicon that seeks to hang a handle on the hurtful happenings of courtship, “stashing” joins “ghosting” (disappearing, phantom-like, without a trace), “breadcrumbing” (leaving a flirtatious but staunchly non-committal social media trail of crumbs), and “haunting” (texting back way too late, especially after ghosting, with something in the “sup boo” variety). Stashing is singular though in that it exists, and has existed, without benefit of social media.

To find out why humans have been doing this to each other for millennia, we reached out to a proper expert, biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute, the author of ANATOMY OF LOVE: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, and the Chief Scientific Advisor for Match.com.  

Fisher was clear: we’re all prone to stashing a partner. The thing is, we’re actually doing it in the name of love. Or rather something Dr. Fisher calls “slow love” and that, in the long run, may be a good thing for both stasher and stashee.

Stashing for Fisher is really just part of the much larger trend of slow love (aka “commitment lite”), an undeclared state of partnership that’s one step beyond friends with benefits. Millennials in particular, she says, are now playing the long game when choosing a mate. One reason for that is ambition. “They’re putting off marriage because of career”. The other reason that comes up is far more telling: it’s primal fear. And not of commitment. She says that millennials are categorically horrified by the idea of divorce. Fisher explains that “67% of singles are really terrified of the financial economic, social, and personal consequences of divorce”. And commitment isn’t even the issue, in fact “86% of people in America end up marrying by middle age” in any case, she says. Marriages later in life, something that leads to far higher marital satisfaction, isn’t accidental. Nowadays people don’t want to make a mistake early on and choose the wrong person. So they’re quite content to take their time. Slow love.    

This really is about “love and partnership” she says, not just sex. People “basically want to get to know every single thing about a person before they get into a relationship”. Enter (or re-enter) stashing.

Grabbing some take out, watching a movie, sharing some intimacy, but not telling friends and family about the relationship makes a lot of sense especially when, as Dr. Fisher says, “you haven’t decided yet”. And there’s the rub (or stash, as it were). This is about keeping options open, for as long as it takes to get it right, much to the stashee’s chagrin. And it’s nothing new. 50,000 years ago, our hunting and and gathering ancestors would partner up two or three times over the course of their lives. “There’s nothing new about trying to pick the right person”, says Fisher.  

While seeking Mr. or Mrs. Right, Dr. Fisher said “there are a million reasons” to stash Mr. and Mrs. Right Now. We asked her to weigh in on the top reasons and what, if anything, you can do about them.

Your stasher doesn’t know what you are

If you think your partner just isn’t sure about the long haul, it may not be necessary to cut and run. Yet. When asked if one should end it or mend it if one is being stashed, Dr. Fisher said it “depends”, then brought up cats. “Don’t forget that love is like a sleeping cat that can be awakened any time.” Yes, you could be getting stashed because your partner just isn’t feeling romantic, long-term love but that, she says, can switch fast — and on a chemical level. You might have incredible sex, say something hilarious and come off as decidedly and bewitchingly clever, and once that happens, Fisher claims, it’s no longer a matter of “get rid of them” for the stasher, it immediately becomes “how do we move this to the next level”.

An important caveat bears mentioning here: while the person you’re dating has every right to take things as slowly as he or she wants, trust your gut — when you’re done wasting your precious time hoping for something to eventually click, get out.       

Your stasher knows exactly what you are

And, sadly, isn’t that into you or can’t couple with you for a variety of frustratingly legitimate reasons. This may not mean your stasher is embarrassed by you or is a level 5 dark demon. Sure, you may be “a walk on the wild side” for someone who’s between things or just looking for “a warm bed”, says Fisher but they also might simply be unable to weave you into their close social ties. Culture and religion, in love as in life, can play a big role. Sometimes stashers are well aware that their stashee has a shelf life for a host of rationales and “know they could never bring this person home to mother or introduce them to their friends”. Yes, the not-going-anywhere stash is “certainly something that people will do”, asserts Fisher.

Regardless of motive, here you are destined to stay on their sofa forever. There’s no mending this, end it — and the sooner the better. Have “the talk” to clarify where you stand and if you stand nowhere near a real future with your stasher, get out. Unless you’re really into that crippling feeling of crushing disappointment after losing reams of your time spent clinging to hope like a floatation device. There are other stashers in the sea, or win some lose some. Pick your platitude.        

Your stasher isn’t proud of their friends or family

Yes, your stashers may also be protecting themselves. Fisher is adamant that “some people are really embarrassed by their family”. Parents with, say, substance abuse issues or serious behavioural problems can make stashing seem like the right move to someone trying to mitigate family shame or keep their status high. Again here, open communication about their family (and a willingness to endure some awkward fam jams) is the best way to mend this stash dynamic. Of course, a truly problematic family situation may also be a valid reason to end things. Stashee’s choice.          

Less commonly, your stasher may not have any friends or is a terrible planner, though don’t hang your hat on these rarities, says Fisher. She confirms that we’re social animals and “the vast majority of people on this planet have friends” with no shortage of social obligations providing opportunities to bring a partner along. In other words, Fisher adds, “keeping someone from your friends and family takes energy and planning”. So a bad planner with no friends is probably just feeding you a load of stash.   

Your stasher thinks you’re too good for them

And is ultimately keeping you hidden so you aren’t tempted by the flirty fruit of another.  Surprisingly, Fisher says this behaviour is prevalent planet wide. It’s called “mate guarding” and its goal is to fend off another common behaviour: “mate poaching”. Fisher explains that in “studies touching over 30 cultures” an impressive “50% of both men and women have poached” a mate from another. If you’ve ever brought a date to a party only to watch them leave with another suitor, you’ve been had by a wily mate poacher.  

The tendency to guard, of course, could mean that your stasher simply doesn’t trust you. Here too the lines of communication need to be open to parse out the real issue. As trust between stasher and stashee play a role in this stashing situation, it’s typically more of a mend than an end. Unless your stasher is pathologically insecure, or you end up meeting the fam over the holidays and fall for the cousin under the mistletoe.   

Who plays the game best?

If you’re wondering who is more likely to stash a partner, women or men, Dr Fisher admits that none of the studies she’s seen are definitive on the matter. But she did venture a very educated guess based on her own recent research data from a sample of 5,000 people: “Women were more likely than men, statistically speaking, to be going out with more than one person at a time”. To Fisher’s mind, “that is probably a good indication that women are more likely to stash.”

“It’s a reproductive strategy, you know, they may be stashing two men.” Or more. Why? Fisher trots out an old chestnut here: “all’s fair in love and war — a truer statement was never made.”

Self-injury/cutting

by MAYO CLINIC

Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is a harmful way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration.

While self-injury may bring a momentary sense of calm and a release of tension, it’s usually followed by guilt and shame and the return of painful emotions. Although life-threatening injuries are usually not intended, with self-injury comes the possibility of more-serious and even fatal self-aggressive actions.

Symptoms

Signs and symptoms of self-injury may include:

Scars, often in patterns

Fresh cuts, scratches, bruises, bite marks or other wounds

Excessive rubbing of an area to create a burn

Keeping sharp objects on hand

Wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather

Frequent reports of accidental injury

Difficulties in interpersonal relationships

Behavioral and emotional instability, impulsivity and unpredictability

Statements of helplessness, hopelessness or worthlessness

Forms of self-injury

Self-injury usually occurs in private and is done in a controlled or ritualistic manner that often leaves a pattern on the skin. Examples of self-harm include:

Cutting (cuts or severe scratches with a sharp object)

Scratching

Burning (with lit matches, cigarettes or heated, sharp objects such as knives)

Carving words or symbols on the skin

Self-hitting, punching or head banging

Piercing the skin with sharp objects

Inserting objects under the skin

Most frequently, the arms, legs and front of the torso are the targets of self-injury, but any area of the body may be used for self-injury. People who self-injure may use more than one method to harm themselves.

Becoming upset can trigger an urge to self-injure. Many people self-injure only a few times and then stop. But for others, self-injury can become a long-term, repetitive behavior.

When to see a doctor

If you’re injuring yourself, even in a minor way, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, reach out for help. Any form of self-injury is a sign of bigger issues that need to be addressed.

Talk to someone you trust — such as a friend, loved one, doctor, spiritual leader, or a school counselor, nurse or teacher — who can help you take the first steps to successful treatment. While you may feel ashamed and embarrassed about your behavior, you can find supportive, caring and nonjudgmental help.

When a friend or loved one self-injures

If you have a friend or loved one who is self-injuring, you may be shocked and scared. Take all talk of self-injury seriously. Although you might feel that you’d be betraying a confidence, self-injury is too big a problem to ignore or to deal with alone. Here are some ways to help.

Your child. You can start by consulting your pediatrician or other health care provider who can provide an initial evaluation or a referral to a mental health professional. Express your concern, but don’t yell at your child or make threats or accusations.

Preteen or teenage friend. Suggest that your friend talk to parents, a teacher, a school counselor or another trusted adult.

Adult. Gently express your concern and encourage the person to seek medical and mental health treatment.

When to get emergency help

If you’ve injured yourself severely or believe your injury may be life-threatening, or if you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

Also consider these options if you’re having suicidal thoughts:

Call your mental health professional if you’re seeing one.

Call a suicide hotline. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or use their webchat on suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat.

Seek help from your school nurse or counselor, teacher, doctor, or other health care provider.

Reach out to a close friend or loved one.

Contact a spiritual leader or someone else in your faith community.

Causes

There’s no one single or simple cause that leads someone to self-injure. In general, self-injury may result from:

Poor coping skills. Nonsuicidal self-injury is usually the result of an inability to cope in healthy ways with psychological pain.

Difficulty managing emotions. The person has a hard time regulating, expressing or understanding emotions. The mix of emotions that triggers self-injury is complex. For instance, there may be feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, panic, anger, guilt, rejection, self-hatred or confused sexuality

Through self-injury, the person may be trying to:

Manage or reduce severe distress or anxiety and provide a sense of relief

Provide a distraction from painful emotions through physical pain

Feel a sense of control over his or her body, feelings, or life situations

Feel something — anything — even if it’s physical pain, when feeling emotionally empty

Express internal feelings in an external way

Communicate depression or distressful feelings to the outside world

Be punished for perceived faults

Risk factors

Most people who self-injure are teenagers and young adults, although those in other age groups also self-injure. Self-injury often starts in the preteen or early teen years, when emotions are more volatile and teens face increasing peer pressure, loneliness, and conflicts with parents or other authority figures.

Certain factors may increase the risk of self-injury, including:

Having friends who self-injure. People who have friends who intentionally harm themselves are more likely to begin self-injuring.

Life issues. Some people who injure themselves were neglected, were sexually, physically or emotionally abused, or experienced other traumatic events. They may have grown up and still remain in an unstable family environment, or they may be young people questioning their personal identity or sexuality. Some people who self-injure are socially isolated.

Mental health issues. People who self-injure are more likely to be highly self-critical and be poor problem-solvers. In addition, self-injury is commonly associated with certain mental disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and eating disorders.

Alcohol or drug use. People who harm themselves often do so while under the influence of alcohol or recreational drugs.

Complications

Self-injury can cause a variety of complications, including:

Worsening feelings of shame, guilt and low self-esteem

Infection, either from wounds or from sharing tools

Permanent scars or disfigurement

Severe, possibly fatal injury

Worsening of underlying issues and disorders, if not adequately treated

Suicide risk

Although self-injury is not usually a suicide attempt, it can increase the risk of suicide because of the emotional problems that trigger self-injury. And the pattern of damaging the body in times of distress can make suicide more likely.

Prevention

There is no sure way to prevent your loved one’s self-injuring behavior. But reducing the risk of self-injury includes strategies that involve both individuals and communities. Parents, family members, teachers, school nurses, coaches or friends can help.

Identify someone at risk and offer help. Someone at risk can be taught resilience and healthy coping skills that can be used during periods of distress.

Encourage expansion of social networks. Many people who self-injure feel lonely and disconnected. Helping someone form connections to people who don’t self-injure can improve relationship and communication skills.

Raise awareness. Learn about the warning signs of self-injury and what to do when you suspect it.

Encourage peers to seek help. Peers tend to be loyal to friends. Encourage children, teens and young adults to avoid secrecy and reach out for help if they have a concern about a friend or loved one.

Talk about media influence. News media, music and other highly visible outlets that feature self-injury may nudge vulnerable children and young adults to experiment. Teaching children critical thinking skills about the influences around them might reduce the harmful impact.

Toilet paper panic

PUBLISHED : 17 MAR 2020

WRITER: AFP

WASHINGTON: It’s a scene that’s become familiar around the world: From the US to France to Australia, rows of empty supermarket shelves where toilet paper used to be, the result of coronavirus-induced panic buying.

What exactly is it about the rolls of tissue that has caused mayhem across cultures, including at times violent clashes that have reverberated on social media?

At its most basic, say experts, the answer lies in game theory: If everyone buys only what they need, there will be no shortages. If some people start panic buying, the optimal strategy will be for you to follow suit, to make certain you have enough squares to spare.

But this doesn’t explain it entirely — toilet paper can’t save you from infection, and we haven’t yet seen the same level of hoarding for more key items like canned foods — so something else is clearly afoot.

“I think it probably stuck out in the dramatic images in social media because it was quite clear, the packets are quite distinctive and it’s become associated in the minds of people as a symbol of safety,” Steven Taylor, author of “The Psychology of Pandemics” told AFP.

“People feel the need to do something to keep themselves and their family safe, because what else can they do apart from wash their hands and self-isolate?” added the psychiatry professor at the University of British Columbia.

Another theory Taylor put forward is rooted in our evolutionary aversion to things which disgust us, heightened when people feel threatened with infection.
“And so I think this is one reason they latched on to the toilet paper, because it’s a means of avoiding disgust.”

– Taking control –
Economists have also suggested people may be trying to eliminate one risk that is relatively easy and superficial, rather than doing something more costly that may reduce their risk a greater amount.

This is known as “Zero risk bias.”
“My guess is we want to feel in control and have limited budgets,” said Farasat Bokhari, a health economist at the University of East Anglia in Great Britain.
“So we go buy something that is cheap to buy, that we can store, and we know at the back of our minds that we are going to use anyway,” he said.

A more expensive but necessary item to stock might be non-perishable food — but if frozen meals, canned foods and ramen aren’t exactly your favorites, you could be stuck with a big bill for items you eventually throw away, should the worst fail to materialize.

According to Taylor, many of the behaviors we see now also occurred in previous pandemics, including the Spanish flu in 1918, which killed almost 700,000 Americans and sent panicked citizens to stores and pharmacies to hoard goods.

Some at the time even floated the conspiracy theory the virus may have been a bioweapon devised by Germany. The new coronavirus has been called a Chinese weapon and an American bioweapon, depending on who is making the accusation.

One key difference between the current pandemic and those before it is the ubiquity of social media — the swine flu pandemic of 2009 happened when the medium was still relatively new — and Taylor sees both pluses and negatives.
“That’s enabled the reverberations of dramatic images and videos throughout the world, inflating people’s sense of threat and urgency,” said Taylor.

On the other hand, “Social media can be great for social support, particularly if you’re in self isolation.”
So are we destined for a breakdown in social cohesion if the pandemic stretches out? History says no, said Taylor.

“Rioting and bad behavior in previous pandemics has been relatively uncommon — it has happened, there have been outbreaks, but the main response has been one of order, of people coming together, of solidarity, helping each other out and doing their best as a community to deal with this.”

Effective Home Remedies for Asthma Relief

Asthma is an allergic respiratory condition that causes inflammation and narrowing of the bronchial tubes. It is a chronic lung disease and is caused by when the airways narrow down. Attacks of asthma occur when there is an obstruction in the flow of air to the lungs. The airways get constricted due to an inflammation, which is often caused by allergies.

The common symptoms of asthma include shortness of breath, chest tightness, wheezing, cough, and build-up of mucus.

There are several ways to treat allergies/asthma naturally. The treatment method depends on the cause and severity of the attack.
Asthma flare-ups could be due to a number of reasons. Allergens such as pollen, dust, or weather conditions are common causes of asthma attacks. Some of the common triggers include:

Physical exertion

Animal dander

Emotional stress

Air pollution

Certain medications

1. Bitter gourd

This vegetable is known for its anti-inflammatory properties. Regular intake of bitter gourd helps fight inflammation in the lungs. It is best to grind it into a juice or thick paste and add a bit of honey and basil leaves.

2. Ginger

Ginger is an excellent anti-inflammatory ingredient that is highly effective to treat allergies/asthma naturally. It can be taken in the form of a juice along with pomegranate and honey. Ginger can be added to boiling water and simmered for 5 minutes. Once this cools down it can be consumed with honey. Additionally, adding fenugreek to ginger helps too.

3. Eucalyptus oil

Eucalyptus oil has decongestant properties that help clear the airways. It also helps flush out mucus. Eucalyptus oil can either be used on a hand towel, which will help clear one’s nose, or by adding it to water, which is then used for steam inhalation.

4. Honey

Honey is an integral part of ancient natural remedies for asthma. When taken regularly it can treat allergies/asthma naturally. It can be taken as a syrup mixed with cinnamon powder. Another way is to drink a glass of warm water mixed with honey.

5. Onion

The anti-inflammatory properties of onion help control the symptoms of asthma. Raw or cooked onions help fight the inflammation.

6. Gooseberries

Gooseberries are known to be a great antioxidant. Regular intake of gooseberries helps build immunity. Regularly consuming crushed gooseberries with honey helps fight the symptoms of asthma.
There are several effective ways to treat allergies or asthma naturally. One should try out various home remedies to find out what works best for them. Once an effective remedy is identified, it should be followed consistently for long-lasting results.

Signs you have a toxic parent & Solution

Signs you have a toxic parent

Below are some of the common signs of a toxic parent.

Toxic parents are:

1) Self-centered and have a limited capacity for empathy: They always put their own needs first and don’t consider other people’s needs or feelings. They don’t think about how their behavior impacts others and they have a hard time understanding how other people feel.

2) Disrespectful: They fail to treat you with even a basic level of respect, courtesy, and kindness.

3) Emotionally reactive: Toxic parents often have difficulty controlling their emotions. They overreact, are “dramatic”, or are unpredictable.

4) Controlling: They want to tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Toxic parents always want to have the upper hand. Guilt and money are common ways they exert power and control.

5) Angry: They’re harsh and aggressive. Or they might be passive-aggressive – using the silent treatment, snide comments said under their breath or intentionally forgetting things.

6) Critical: Nothing you do is ever good enough for a toxic parent. They find fault with everything.

7) Manipulative: They twist the truth to make themselves look good. They use guilt, denial, and trivializing to get what they want.

8) Blaming: They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior, won’t own their part in the family dysfunction, and blame it all on you (or another scapegoat).

9) Demanding: They expect you to drop everything to tend to their needs. Again, they have no concern for you, your schedule, or your needs; it’s all about them and what you can do to serve them.

10) Embarrassing: They behave so poorly (anything from making racist jokes, getting into physical altercations, making sexual advances towards your spouse, and so on) that you’re embarrassed to be associated with them.

11) Cruel: Toxic parents do and say things that are downright mean. They mock you, call you names, point out your shortcomings and intentionally bring up things that you’re sensitive about.

12) Boundaryless: They intrude on your personal space and don’t accept that you’re a grown adult who is completely separate from them. They want to know about your personal life, they stand in your personal space, open your mail, come over uninvited, offer unsolicited advice, and undermine your parenting.

13) Enmeshed: Your parents have an unhealthy reliance on you. They share too much personal information with you (secrets or details of their marital problems or sex life, for example) and rely on you to be their primary source of emotional support.

14) Competitive: Not only do they always need to be right, but they also act like they’re in competition with you. So, instead of cheering you on and being happy for your successes, they try to one-up you, diminish your accomplishments, or ignore you.

And the last sign that you have toxic parents is about how you feel rather than what they do.

15) You feel bad when you talk to, spend time with, or think about them: You feel worse after an encounter with your parents. You dread talking to them. And even the thought of your toxic parents can cause your body to tense up and your stomach to churn. Painful memories may surface. Their negative energy taints everything they touch. If you have toxic parents, you probably weren’t encouraged to have your own feelings, so you might not be used to noticing them. So, be sure to pay attention to your feelings and notice whether your parents trigger feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, shame, or other negative emotions.

Awareness leads to acceptance

If you have toxic parents, please remember that it’s not your fault. No matter how much they try to blame you, your parents aren’t “difficult” because of anything you did.

Recognizing that your parents have significant problems, and are unlikely to change, paves the way to acceptance. And when we accept people as they are, we free ourselves from the struggle to try to change them. We can grieve the loss of the kind of parent-child relationship that we wished for.

Acceptance is very helpful in restoring your peace of mind. But even still, it’s very stressful to have toxic parents and you need strategies to help you cope with your parents’ dysfunction.

10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents

How are your toxic parents impacting your life?

Toxic parents can make your life miserable. They are notoriously manipulative, controlling, and critical. They make it difficult for you to emotionally separate yourself from them so that you can make your own choices, set your own goals, and live a life that’s fulfilling for you. Instead, you may find yourself questioning your decisions, never feeling good enough, and riddled with guilt when you say no to them.

Left unchecked, toxic parents can take over your life and cause significant psychological damage. It’s not uncommon for adult children of dysfunctional, alcoholic, or toxic parents to feel trapped – unable to stand up for themselves and futilely trying to appease their parents.

You have choices

One of the great things about being an adult is that you get to decide what kind of relationship to have with your parents.

You have choices – probably more choices than you realize. As a therapist who helps adults cope with their toxic parents, one of the biggest barriers I see is that adult children feel like they can’t make their own decisions; they think they have to keep doing things as they’ve always done them (the way their parents want them to).

Your relationship with your parents doesn’t have to be like this. And although you can’t change your parents or magically transform your relationship, you can begin to break your family’s dysfunctional patterns. You get to decide how and when to relate to your parents. You get to decide what’s right for you.

10 tips for coping with dysfunctional, alcoholic, or toxic parents

1) Stop trying to please them. It’s normal to want your parents’ approval, but toxic parents are nearly impossible to please. And more importantly, it’s your life and you’re entitled to make your own choices and do what makes you feel good. Living your life according to someone else’s values and goals will leave you chronically unhappy and unfulfilled. And if you live your life trying to please your parents, you’ll be their captive — forever seeking validation and love from people who probably can’t give it to you. When you give them this type of power, you allow your parents to determine your self-worth – to tell you whether you’re smart, successful, a good parent, a worthwhile person, and so on.

Reflective questions: What do you do in order to please your parents even though it doesn’t work well for you? What do you need to do for yourself, even if your parents disapprove?

2) Set and enforce boundaries. Boundaries help us set clear expectations and limits for how others can treat us. Boundaries create emotional and physical space between you and your parents. This is probably something you didn’t have as a child, so it can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries and start telling your parents how you want to be treated. Toxic people resist boundaries; they want to be in control. Setting boundaries with toxic people is difficult because they don’t respect limits, but don’t let that deter you. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. Remember, it’s okay to limit contact with your parents, tell them no, come late or leave early. It’s even okay to have no contact with your parents. You don’t owe them anything! Relationships need to be built on respect and you can’t respect people who continually treat you poorly.

Reflective questions: What boundaries do you need with your parents? What’s one step you can take toward setting those boundaries?

3) Don’t try to change them. Trying to change people who don’t want to change is a waste of energy (and will leave you extremely frustrated). Instead, focus on what you can control – how you respond to your parents, your choices and behavior.

Reflective questions: How do you try to change or “fix” your parents? How do you feel when you inevitably fail to change them? With regards to your relationship with your parents, what’s in your control?

4) Be mindful of what you share with them. Trust is an important element of healthy relationships and we should only share personal information with those that have proven themselves trustworthy. Unfortunately, your parents may not fall into this category if they gossip about you, criticize, share things about you without your permission, or use what you tell them against you. You aren’t obligated to tell them everything (or anything) that’s going on in your life or answer their questions. Share only what feels comfortable and safe.

Reflective questions: What does it feel safe to share with your parents? What doesn’t feel safe?

5) Know your parents’ limitations and work around them — but only if you want to. I know many adult children of alcoholics who know they can’t change their parents’ drinking and recognize that their parents become forgetful, aggressive, or otherwise difficult after a certain time of day (when they’re intoxicated). So, they plan their phone calls, visits, and family get-togethers for earlier in the day to avoid the worst of their parent’s behavior. This is an effective coping strategy for some, but you certainly don’t have to plan your life around your parents. Quite the contrary, work around their limitations only if they work for you. It’s completely valid to have your birthday party in the evening and not invite your parents because you don’t want them to ruin it. Remember, you have choices and you don’t have to justify them to your parents.

Reflective questions: Are there ways you work around your parents’ limitations? Do these compromises truly work for you? If not, what changes do you need to make?

6) Always have an exit strategy. When things start deteriorating, take that as your cue to leave (or ask your parents to leave). Chances are that things will only escalate (they’ll drink more, get angrier and more obstinate). So, it’s safer to end your time together at the first sign of trouble. You aren’t obligated to stick around just to be polite or to make your parents happy.

Reflective questions: How can you get out of a difficult situation with your parents? Do you and your spouse or partner have a signal to let each other know when it’s time to leave? If not, would one be helpful?

7) Don’t try to reason with them. There’s no way to reason with someone who is irrational, emotionally immature, or intoxicated, so don’t expend a lot of energy trying to get your parents to see your point of view. It can be sad and frustrating to accept that you can’t have a healthy and mature relationship with them because they are closed-minded or empathy-challenged. Be assertive about issues that matter to you, but at the same time, don’t expect your parents to care about or understand your point of view. Try not to get dragged into arguments or power struggles that degrade into nasty bouts of name calling and other disrespectful behaviors. As I’ve said before, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Choose to disengage instead.

Reflective question: How can you take care of yourself or disengage when your parents can’t see your point of view or aren’t interested in your perspective?

8) You don’t have to be at your parents’ beck and call. This is a much-needed type of boundary. Toxic people will take and take unless you say no to their excessive demands. You can help them out if it’s feasible and if it’s appreciated, but you’re not obligated to be their chauffeur, maid, gardener, or therapist – especially if they’re treating you like dirt the whole time. Nor do you have to be their errand-boy, on-call 24/7. Nor do you have to take their phone calls or reply to their texts immediately.

Reflective questions: How do your parents exploit your kindness by expecting you to meet their demands 24/7? How does it feel to recognize that you aren’t obligated to do things for them? Can you release some of the guilt by remembering that you’re setting healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself just as other adults do?

9) You don’t have to spend the holidays with your parents. That’s right! You deserve to enjoy the holidays and that might mean spending them away from your parents. In some families, there’s a lot of pressure to maintain family traditions, but this often comes at the expense of your own happiness and peace of mind. Now might be a good time to start your own holiday traditions or be creative about how you spend the holidays. Perhaps you’d like to celebrate Friendsgiving or go on vacation over the holidays.

Reflective questions: What holiday traditions would you like to change or omit because they cause stress or family conflict? How can you create holidays that are enjoyable to you and reflect what’s important to you?

10) Take care of yourself. Dealing with toxic parents is stressful and that stress takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. It’s essential that you take extra good care of yourself. Start with the basics like eating healthfully, getting enough rest and sleep, exercising, connecting with positive people, acknowledging your feelings and giving them a healthy outlet, getting support, and having fun. It will be easier to set boundaries, choose to respond differently or detach when you’re at your best physically and emotionally.

Reflective questions: Take a few minutes to sit quietly with yourself. How do you feel? What do you need right now? How can you give yourself more of what you need?

You can also download a free self-care planning worksheet when you sign-up below for my emails and resource library.

Change starts with you

Changing the ways you relate to your toxic parents can be scary because it will most certainly upset the status quo! It’s only natural that your parents will resist the changes you try to make. Transitions are difficult and stressful but setting boundaries with your parents is the path to freedom from their toxic energy and expectations.

>You are the only one who can change your relationship with your parents and you can start today! What small step can you take today towards reclaiming your life?

13 Reasons People Didn’t Realize They Were Being Abused as Kids Until Adulthood

Here are some reasons you may not have realized you lived through childhood abuse:

1. You grew up in a well-to-do family.

“We were well-off, so everyone made sure to tell me how grateful I should be. I assumed the emptiness in me was my fault. After all, I should be grateful, so it couldn’t have been my parents, right? It wasn’t until I was adult that I even learned what emotional neglect was and am just wrapping my head around the role it’s played.” — James N.

“Money. The assumption is that rich families must be well-adjusted and good families and that a rich childhood means a very good one. When any wealthy child I knew growing up started showing mental health problems, they were labelled as being spoiled, ungrateful, high-strung, type A, etc. It didn’t occur to anyone that abuse or neglect could occur within our private school community because well-off people just don’t do that sort of thing. Truth sadly is that abuse and neglect are common in wealthy families.” — Heather F.

2. It wasn’t all bad.

“The thing that kept me from realizing I was being abused so much was the fact that there were good times in between. It wasn’t all bad. The abuse, physical and emotional, was awful, but I still loved my dad and family and they still loved me as sick and weird as that sounds.” — Hali B.

“I wasn’t an adult, but a teenager. And because the physical had stopped and because there was a cycle with ‘honeymoon’ type periods, I thought it was because of me, because I wasn’t good enough or that it was out of ‘tough love.’” — Paula H.

3. The abuse wasn’t physical.

“My abuse wasn’t physical. I thought for a long time that physical abuse was the only kind of abuse, and since I wasn’t being beaten, it couldn’t have been that bad. Other people had it worse, so I told myself for a long time that I should just suck it up, and that I was being whiny.” — Katherine H.

“It wasn’t physical abuse. I was used to defining abuse as bruises and cuts, broken bones and visible scars; growing up, I thought it was just my parents being reasonably strict and making their expectations clear. In reality, they were making cuts and bruises on my heart, on my soul. The scars were there the whole time — I just didn’t know what to look for.” — Kristiina M.

4. Dissociation.

“Dissociation… I blocked out almost all of my childhood. I lived my life through photo albums of our family. I made up stories to [go with] the pictures and I believed those stories were true. In my early 30s, I began having suppressed memories come back to me. I began to realize the stories of those pictures in the photo albums weren’t true. My childhood in reality was a far darker place. My mind protected my heart and soul through those pictures so I wouldn’t know what was really happening.” — Robin R.

“I developed dissociation as a coping mechanism at a very young age, and I used it to escape what was happening and hide those memories from myself.” — Jessa L.

5. You were isolated, so you didn’t realize the abuse was “abnormal.”

“Parents keeping me so isolated I assumed everyone was the same. Not to mention the threats if we did tell. Hindsight is always 20/20.” — Becky P.

“Seclusion. We were homeschooled in a church cult where everyone’s lives appeared to be the same as ours. There was no comparison to know that our ‘normal’ was extremely unhealthy and unsafe. There was no one looking out for us (family, school staff, medical professionals, etc).” — Hillary M.

“I wasn’t permitted over to other people’s homes, so I didn’t know it was abnormal. I didn’t truly grasp it until speaking with an internship supervisor when discussing a client’s case. She expressed sympathy and I was confused because it didn’t seem out of the ordinary.” — Lyndi J.

6. The abuse was normalized over many generations.

“The abuse was normalized over multiple generations in my family. My grandma abused my dad and mom (daughter-in-law), she abused me and my parents abused me. I didn’t have other regular sources of healthy relationships to look to to see it wasn’t normal, like a friend’s family or aunts/uncles because I was introverted, depressed and isolated myself all the time. I rarely hung out with friends outside of school hours and only saw extended family occasionally. I didn’t learn until my late 20s that my whole childhood was filled with abuse. To me it was normal and I thought this was how all families were.” — Kathryn R.

7. Your abuser sometimes apologized for their behavior.

“She would apologize sometimes, cry sometimes and I figured if they were really abusive, then they wouldn’t do either of those things. I didn’t think anyone could be such a good liar or so unstable as to be able to cry crocodile tears and say ‘sorry’ just to suck me back into the abuse. “ — Lexi R.

8. It made you feel special to be “so close” to your abuser.

“I assumed my being my mother’s ‘best friend’ was a positive thing. I realized after much therapy how ‘parentified’ I was and how emotionally incestuous she was. I filled the role of partner, friend, parent — everything. That’s not healthy for a child. Especially when some of the subjects discussed were hyper-sexual at a very young age. As a kid, I thought I was special. I never realized how it stifled my own personality and self.” — Monika S.

9. You couldn’t process it as a child.

“I think I always knew, but didn’t have the ability to process it until I was an adult. Once I was able to process and call it out for what it was, I was able to get the proper help to be able to deal with its consequences.” — Christopher C.

10. You were told it was just “discipline.”

“I was always told parents had a right to discipline their kids and that some kids had it worse than I did. If I wasn’t dying or bleeding, I was OK.” — Barbara L.

11. “Abuse” wasn’t in your vocabulary.

“‘Abuse’ was not in my vocabulary. I was perfectly aware that what was done to me was wrong. No one would challenge my abusers. Sometimes they wanted to join in. So. I was not worth saving.” — Sherry L.

12. You thought it was all “in your mind.”

“For me, I think it was all just in my mind. Despite everything I had gone through, I somehow convinced myself time and time again that my parents loved me. They had to love me right? They were my parents after all. And so many other people had it worse, so why would I complain? It’s still a hard pill to swallow, realizing they never did. Sometimes I feel vulnerable enough that if I saw my birth mom tomorrow and she apologized, I would let her walk right back in to my life.” — Rachel R.

13. You loved your abuser.

“Love. You’re often ‘blinded’ by love. Plus, being young and not knowing any better. If you grow up with something by seeing it and breathing it every day, it is all you know. It becomes the norm.” — Brittany J.

If you’ve experienced childhood abuse, you’re not alone. Check out the below stories if you are struggling to heal from childhood abuse and don’t know where to start. 

• 5 Things Childhood Trauma Survivors Need in Order to Heal
• Ashley Judd Has an Important Reminder for Anyone Struggling to Heal From Trauma
• 15 Books That Have Helped Childhood Abuse Survivors Heal

The Coronavirus Outbreak-update

The Coronavirus Outbreak

• Answers to your most common questions:Updated Feb. 26, 2020
• • What is a Coronavirus?
    It is a novel virus named for the crown-like spikes that protrude from its surface. The coronavirus can infect both animals and people, and can cause a range of respiratory illnesses from the common cold to more dangerous conditions like Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS.
  • How worried should I be?
    New outbreaks in Asia, Europe and the Middle East are renewing fears of a global pandemic. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned this week that Americans should brace for the likelihood that the virus will spread to the United States.
  • How do I keep myself and others safe?
    Washing your hands frequently is the most important thing you can do, along with staying at home when you’re sick.
  • What if I’m traveling?
    The C.D.C. haswarned older and at-risk travelers to avoid Japan, Italy and Iran. The agency also has advised against all non-essential travel to South Korea and China.
  • How can I prepare for a possible outbreak?
    Keep a 30-day supply of essential medicines. Get a flu shot. Have essential household items on hand. Have a support system in place for eldery family members.
  • Where has the virus spread?
    The virus, which originated in Wuhan, China, has sickened more than 80,000 people in at least 33 countries, including Italy, Iran and South Korea.
  • How contagious is the virus?
    According to preliminary research, it seems moderately infectious, similar to SARS, and is probably transmitted through sneezes, coughs and contaminated surfaces. Scientists have estimated that each infected person could spread it to somewhere between 1.5 and 3.5 people without effective containment measures.
  • Who is working to contain the virus?
    The World Health Organization officials have been working with officials in China, where growth has slowed. But this week, as confirmed cases spiked on two continents, experts warned that the world is not ready for a major outbreak.

3 Steps To Healing A Strained Mother-Daughter Relationship

3 Steps To Healing A Strained Mother-Daughter Relationship

by Venus Evans-Winters

Editor’s Note: While this article provides useful help in repairing broken relationships, we want to be clear that there is no shame in cutting toxicity out of your life. If you feel that your relationship with your mother is too damaging to attempt these steps, that’s okay.

A recent article has surfaced that discusses the mother-daughter relationship between Alice Walker and her daughter, Rebecca Walker.

Rumors of their poor relationship have been around for quite some time now, but it appears that daughter Walker is once and for all addressing the problem publicly. In the confession, younger Walker even blames feminism for her mother’s poor parenting decisions.

Although I think it is far-reaching to blame feminism (as a theory and activist practice) for one’s parenting choices, I think that the article brings up an important discussion about the significance of mother-daughter relationships.

In the Rebecca Walker’s writing, one can almost feel her pain in the words.
There is something sacred about mother-daughter relationships that leave many women feeling empty and less whole when a mother is absent from their life.

Broken mother-daughter relationships are more common than most are aware.
Studies suggest that nearly 30% of women have been estranged from their mothers at some point in their life (see The Unhappy Mother’s Day).
Frequently, I come in contact with women who have struggled with low self-esteem, dating and relationship problems, and feelings of worthlessness and depression related to emotionally abusive or absent mothers.

In U.S. culture, the importance of the “father-child” bond is a common narrative throughout mass media, pop psychology, and the mental health field.
There is even a word for it in popular culture – daddy issues – the term used to refer to a woman who is having a difficult time functioning in dating relationships, due to the residual effects of a bad relationship with her father.
An issue that is rarely discussed openly in mainstream culture, which makes those affected feel even more abnormal, is the issue of poor mother-daughter relationships.

Maybe poor mother-daughter relationships are less discussed and appears or feels to be more “dysfunctional,” because it is believed that women are more nurturing, empathetic, and social than boys and men, which should prevent any serious conflict between mothers and their female children.

Hence the popularity of stepmother and mother-in-law conflict in storylines.
This article here even suggests that stepmothering is more difficult than parenting as a stepfather.
Rarely do we come across news articles of biological mother-child conflict.
And because a strained relationship between a mother and daughter appears to be outside of the norm, when there is animus or emotional disconnect between a mother and an adult female child, it may actually cause more emotional distress (i.e., anger, frustration, shame, and hurt) than traditional parent-child conflict.

Individuals affected by a strained or emotionally absent mother-daughter relationship may try to hide their feelings from others, which only leads to more feelings of shame and loneliness.
So, where do daughters begin to repair poor relationships with their mothers? Why is it important to foster positive relationships between daughters and mothers?

Below, I provide tips on how to repair a broken or strained relationship between adult daughters and their mothers, which serves to preserve or improve the emotional health of the individual, the entire family, and female bonds.
Although here I focus on encouraging daughters to initiate healing conversations with their mothers, mothers and other caregivers will find the suggested steps useful as well.

Step 1: Set Up the Meeting

Schedule in advance a time and date to meet. Inform your mother in advance what the meeting will be about. Decide if it will take place in a private place, like your living room, or in a public place, such as a coffee shop. Weigh the pros and cons of a public versus private meet-up.
Also, you should know in advance what it is you want to say to your mother and the message you would like to convey.
Only involve the two individuals involved and primarily responsible for any past disagreements and repairing the relationship. The point is to avoid family members from siding with or teaming up against mother or daughter.
Of course, after the initial reconciliation talk, other family members can come together and discuss the renewal of the relationship or how to help support the relationship.

Step 2: Have the Conversation

Begin the conversation by thanking your mother for agreeing to join you in the conversation. Inform her that the meeting is very important to you.
Then, begin the conversation with identifying the positive aspects of the relationship. If there is no relationship at all at this point, you can simply begin by pointing out positive characteristics of your mother or positive events or behaviors in her past.

Most importantly, instead of beginning the conversation with who or what caused the problem, begin with pointing strengths about the person or the relationship. Be specific about the behavior or characteristic that you feel attracts you (or others) to your mother, makes you appreciate and value her as a human being, and makes you want to be near her more often.
Mother and daughter both should be given the opportunity to identify strengths about the individual or relationship before moving on to discuss the undesirable aspects of the relationship.
Sometimes it is difficult to identify strengths, especially when someone has been in pain for a long time. However, it is very important to let your mother know that she is not a bad person in your eyes.
In fact, there are things about her that actually draw you to her and those characteristics must be your focus, for no one wants to be criticized by someone they love.

Step 2a: “OPEN” Up My Heart, My Mouth, and My Ears

To make this step easier, I have derived the acronym: OPEN. Think of this step in the healing talk as “OPEN” up my heart, my mouth, and my ears.

(O)wn

It is important during the initial dialogue that you own up to your part of the discord.
Explain to your mother what mistakes you have made in the past and how you may have contributed to the negative dynamics of the relationship.

(P)inpoint

In this stage of the discussion, pinpoint specifically the action or event that caused you to withdraw from the relationship or lose trust in your parent.
In other words, be specific in naming exactly what behavior or set of behaviors hurt you.
Sometimes individuals in families are vague in stating the true problem; therefore, it is difficult to avoid correcting the problem. Consequently, the unwanted behavior is never changed.

(E)go

For me, this is the most important step in any meaningful discussion.
Simply stated, suspend your ego.
Now is not the time to be concerned with winning an argument.
Even more important, do not worry about being embarrassed or appearing emotionally weak. The goal is not to win an argument or to save face, but to amend a very important relationship.

(N)ext

Where do you want to go from here?
Before closing this part of the discussion, explicitly state where you want the relationship to go next.
In other words, what do you hope to accomplish from the discussion or what do you expect now from you, your mother, and the mother-daughter relationship?

Step 3: Move Forward

Move forward from the conflict and toward healing.
I suggest that mother and daughter plan time to spend together alone.
It is best to start out with a short time period together, like at lunch, dinner, theater performance, or a movie. This time should be spent without siblings, partners, or children.
I have found that when two people spend quality time together without responsibility to each other, they are actually more likely to enjoy each other’s company.
After a few short periods of time together, then mother and daughter can work on spending longer time together, like at overnight events or family vacations.
***
In my opinion, mother-daughter relationships are sacred and worth preserving.
We live in a patriarchal society, where often the child-father relationship is given more attention and revered.
Consequently, when a mother-child relationship is damaged, adult children tend to cover-up and internalize the lost and take it more personally. They begin to view themselves as damaged, un-nurturing, or unworthy of love and attention.
Yet, mothers and daughters are human beings too; thus, we are necessarily flawed.

The 7+ Types Of Love

Eros

Eros is sexual or passionate love, and is the type most akin to our modern construct of romantic love. In Greek myth, it is a form of madness brought about by one of Cupid’s arrows. The arrow breaches us and we ‘fall’ in love, as did Paris with Helen, leading to the Trojan War and the downfall of Troy and much of the assembled Greek army. In modern times, eros has been amalgamated with the broader life force, something akin to Schopenhauer’s will, a fundamentally blind process of striving for survival and reproduction. Eros has also been contrasted with Logos, or Reason, and Cupid painted as a blindfolded child.
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2. Philia

The hallmark of philia, or friendship, is shared goodwill. Aristotle believed that a person can bear goodwill to another for one of three reasons: that he is useful; that he is pleasant; and, above all, that he is good, that is, rational and virtuous. Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust.

For Plato, the best kind of friendship is that which lovers have for each other. It is a philiaborn out of eros, and that in turn feeds back into eros to strengthen and develop it, transforming it from a lust for possession into a shared desire for a higher level of understanding of the self, the other, and the world. In short, philia transforms eros from a lust for possession into an impulse for philosophy. Real friends seek together to live truer, fuller lives by relating to each other authentically and teaching each other about the limitations of their beliefs and the defects in their character, which are a far greater source of error than mere rational confusion: they are, in effect, each other’s therapist—and in that much it helps to find a friend with some degree of openness, articulacy, and insight, both to change and to be changed.
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3. Storge

Storge (‘store-gae’), or familial love, is a kind of philia pertaining to the love between parentsand their children. It differs from most philia in that it tends, especially with younger children, to be unilateral or asymmetrical. More broadly, storge is the fondness born out of familiarity or dependency and, unlike eros or philia, does not hang on our personal qualities. People in the early stages of a romantic relationshipoften expect unconditional storge, but find only the need and dependency of eros, and, if they are lucky, the maturity and fertility of philia. Given enough time, eros tends to mutate into storge.

4. Agape

Agape is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. Unlike storge, it does not depend on filiation or familiarity. Also called charity by Christian thinkers, agape can be said to encompass the modern concept of altruism, defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Recent studies link altruism with a number of benefits. In the short term, altruism leaves us with a euphoric feeling—the so-called ‘helper’s high’. In the longer term, it is associated with better mental and physical health, as well as longevity. At a social level, altruism serves as a signal of cooperative intentions, and also of resource availability and so of mating or partnering potential. It also opens up a debt account, encouraging beneficiaries to reciprocate with gifts and favours that may be of much greater value to us than those with which we feel able to part. More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and, indeed, environmental fabric that shields, sustains, and enriches us. Given the increasing anger and division in our society, and the state of our planet, we could all do with quite a bit more agape.
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5. Ludus

Ludus is playful or uncommitted love. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, or more overt flirting, seducing, and conjugating. The focus is on fun, and sometimes also on conquest, with no strings attached. Ludus relationships are casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated but, for all that, can be very long-lasting. Ludus works best when both parties are mature and self-sufficient. Problems arise when one party mistakes ludus for eros, whereas ludus is in fact much more compatible with philia.

6. Pragma

Pragma is a kind of practical love founded on reason or duty and one’s longer-term interests. Sexual attraction takes a back seat in favour of personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and making it work. In the days of arranged marriages, pragma must have been very common. Although unfashionable, it remains widespread, most visibly in certain high-profile celebrity and political pairings. Many relationships that start off as eros or ludus end up as various combinations of storge and pragma. Pragma may seem opposed to ludus, but the two can co-exist, with the one providing a counterpoint to the other. In the best of cases, the partners in the pragma relationship agree to turn a blind eye—or even a sympathetic eye, as in the case of Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre, or Vita Sackville-West and Harold Nicholson.

7. Philautia

Philautia is self-love, which can be healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy self-love is akin to hubris. In Ancient Greece, a person could be accused of hubris if he placed himself above the gods, or, like certain modern politicians, above the greater good. Many believed that hubris led to destruction, or nemesis. Today, hubris has come to mean an inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, or accomplishments, especially when accompanied by haughtiness or arrogance. As it disregards truth, hubris promotes injustice, conflict, and enmity.
Healthy self-love is akin to self-esteem, which is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth relative to that of others. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.

Self-esteem and self-confidence do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case with many performers and celebrities.

People with high self-esteem do not need to prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs, or sex. They are able to invest themselves completely in projects and people because they do not fearfailure or rejection. Of course they suffer hurt and disappointment, but their setbacks neither damage nor diminish them. Owing to their resilience, they are open to growth experiences and relationships, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.

In closing, there is, of course, a kind of porosity between the seven types of love, which keep on seeping and passing into one another. For Plato, love aims at beautiful and good things, because the possession of beautiful and good things is called happiness, and happiness is an end-in-itself. Of all beautiful and good things, the best, most beautiful, and most dependable is truth or wisdom, which is why Plato called love not a god but a philosopher: